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Title: Simple Stories from "Punch"
Author: Marshall, Archibald (1866-1934)
Illustrator: Morrow, George (1869-1955)
Date of first publication: 1930
Edition used as base for this ebook:
   London: J. M. Dent, 1930
   (first edition)
Date first posted: 25 July 2009
Date last updated: 25 July 2009
Project Gutenberg Canada ebook #359

This ebook was produced by:
Marcia Brooks, Mark Akrigg, David Edwards
& the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
at http://www.pgdp.net




SIMPLE STORIES

FROM "PUNCH"

[Illustration: _All the cannibals wanted to play cricket too._
(_See p. 16._)]


[Illustration: SIMPLE STORIES from "PUNCH"]

BY

ARCHIBALD MARSHALL

[Illustration]

ILLUSTRATED BY

GEORGE MORROW

J. M. DENT & SONS LTD.


_All rights reserved_

_Printed in Great Britain by
Spottiswoods, Ballantyne & Co. Ltd.
London, Colchester and Eton_

_First published in 1930_


To

NANCY AND MAUREEN


Thanks are due to the
Proprietors of _Punch_ for
their courtesy in allowing
these stories to be published
in this volume.




CONTENTS


                                         PAGE

       I. THE STRAWBERRY NOSE               1

      II. THE ARTIST                        7

     III. THE CANNIBALS                    13

      IV. THE JUMBLE SALE                  18

       V. HENRY THE EIGHTH                 24

      VI. THE FUR BOA                      28

     VII. THE FANCY-DRESS DANCE            34

    VIII. THE BREACH OF PROMISE CASE       41

      IX. THE DOCTOR                       48

       X. THE SPECTRE                      54

      XI. THE CHEMIST                      60

     XII. THE DRAGON                       66

    XIII. THE FOUNDLING                    73

     XIV. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT              79

      XV. THE RIGHTFUL HEIR                85

     XVI. THE SECRETARY                    91

    XVII. THE DICTATOR                     98

   XVIII. THE POSTMAN                     104

     XIX. THE BUTCHER                     110

      XX. THE BLOTTING-PAD                116

     XXI. THE JOINT OF MEAT               122

    XXII. THE HOLD-UP                     128

   XXIII. THE ANONYMOUS LETTER            134

    XXIV. THE GAMBLER                     140




[Illustration]

I

THE STRAWBERRY NOSE


Once there was a married couple called Mr. and Mrs. Bundaby, and Mr.
Bundaby was quite nice-looking when they were first married but after
about ten years he began to grow a strawberry nose.

Well Mrs. Bundaby didn't think much of it at first and thought he had
only been bitten by some gnats or fleas or something like that, but when
it got worse she said you had better go and see a doctor about it.

So Mr. Bundaby did that, and the doctor said oh yes it is a strawberry
nose all right there is no getting over that, you must have eaten
something that disagreed with you and I don't think it will get any
better, in fact I should think it would get worse if anything.

Well Mr. Bundaby didn't like that much and he said can't you do anything
for it?

And the doctor said well I might cut it off and make you another nose of
wax or plaster of Paris, but I couldn't promise that you would smell as
well with it because doctors haven't learnt to do that yet. Still they
are so clever that I dare say it will come in time.

And Mr. Bundaby said well when do you think it will come, next week?

And the doctor said oh no, I should think not for fifty years about, and
then you will be so old that you won't mind whether you have a
strawberry nose or not, if I were you I shouldn't bother about it,
nobody will notice it after a time.

So Mr. Bundaby went home and told his wife what the doctor had said and
she cried, and Mr. Bundaby felt rather inclined to cry too but he
couldn't do that because he was a man. And he said to his wife I suppose
you can't possibly go on loving me when my strawberry nose gets worse
can you? I should think the best thing I can do is to go and live by
myself on a desert island.

And Mrs. Bundaby cried some more at that and kissed him, and she said of
course I shall go on loving you as much as ever and if you go and live
on a desert island I shall come with you, but I would much rather go on
living at Ealing because of the shops and all our friends.

Well then Mr. Bundaby didn't mind so much and he said oh well we can try
it for a bit anyhow, and I don't suppose anybody will be really rude
about it because people are very kind-hearted at Ealing and they
wouldn't want to hurt our feelings.

So they went on living at Ealing, but Mr. Bundaby's nose only grew worse
till at last he was quite ashamed to go out of doors because of rude
boys calling out things after him. But none of his friends ever said
anything to him about it, and Mrs. Bundaby was so sorry for him because
she knew how much he felt it that he loved her more than ever and was
never cross to her as he had been sometimes before when he was worried
about something in his business.

So he was beginning to get used to it and not to mind so much, and then
one day his youngest child said something to him about his strawberry
nose when he was building a house of cards for her, and he was so upset
by this that he walked straight out of the house and went to
Switzerland.

Well the reason why he went to Switzerland was because he had heard
about a doctor there who knew more about strawberry noses than any other
doctor and had cured some of them. So he went to him, and the doctor
said well I wish you had come to see me before because strawberry noses
are stubborn things and if they get a thorough hold over you you can't
do much with them. But I will do what I can for you and if I cure you I
suppose you won't mind it going in the newspapers so that I shall get
more customers.

And Mr. Bundaby said oh no, anything to get cured.

Well the doctor did cure him, but it took a long time because it was a
very stubborn case, and all the time Mr. Bundaby was in Switzerland he
didn't write to his wife once but thought of his nose all the time. And
she didn't know what had become of him and was upset about it and cried,
and the children cried too because they missed him, and none of them had
really minded about his strawberry nose because they had got quite used
to it. And Mrs. Bundaby put advertisements in the newspapers, because
she thought he might be drowned or run over or anything might have
happened to him, and when he saw one of the advertisements he was
annoyed and sent her a telegram telling her not to fuss.

Well at last Mr. Bundaby's nose was cured and he was just like he had
been before. And by this time he was tired of living in Switzerland and
was glad that he could go back home and look after his business and see
his wife and children again.

So he sent a telegram to say he was coming, but he didn't say anything
about his nose being cured because he wanted that to be a surprise for
them.

Well the first thing Mrs. Bundaby did when she saw him was to burst out
crying, and Mr. Bundaby was irritated at that and he said you are always
crying, there was some reason for it when I had a strawberry nose but
now I am cured there is no sense in it.

And Mrs. Bundaby said well I think you were much nicer when you had a
strawberry nose, I didn't mind that at all, but I do mind it when you go
away for six months and never write to me, still I am glad your nose is
cured and I suppose you would like to go up and see the children now.

So they went up to see the children, but the youngest one didn't know
him any more because she had got used to him with his strawberry nose,
and she wouldn't even let him kiss her until Mrs. Bundaby said she was
to.

Well the next morning there was a long piece in the newspapers about the
doctor curing Mr. Bundaby's strawberry nose in Switzerland, and it had
two photographs of him, one with a strawberry nose and one without, and
it gave his name and address and said that anybody who didn't believe it
could write and ask him.

[Illustration: _Mr. Bundaby was irritated at that._]

Well Mr. Bundaby was perfectly furious about this, and what made it
worse was that all his friends would keep on talking to him about his
strawberry nose, because they weren't afraid of hurting his feelings
now he had got rid of it, and presently he said well if you can't talk
about anything but that I shan't talk to you at all. And he was so cross
that most of them didn't want to have anything more to do with him, and
Mrs. Bundaby said if she had known he was going to turn out like that
she wouldn't have married him.

Well that went on for a long time, and then one evening Mr. Bundaby ate
something that disagreed with him and the next day there was a
strawberry mark on his nose, and soon after that it began to be covered
with them. And then he was more furious than ever and he said I do
believe my strawberry nose is growing again.

And Mrs. Bundaby clapped her hands and said I do believe it is, and this
time I hope you won't have it cured.

Well that made Mr. Bundaby think, because he had really been quite happy
with a strawberry nose before, except for the rude boys, but since he
had been cured he seemed to have been cross all the time. So this time
he didn't go to Switzerland, and he wrote and told the doctor that he
was to stop putting his photographs in the newspapers. And as his nose
grew worse all his friends at Ealing began to be nice to him again
because they were sorry for him, and his wife and children loved him
more than ever.

So presently he didn't mind a bit, and his nose didn't get so very much
worse this time and he was quite happy.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

II

THE ARTIST


Once there was an artist called Brown Jukes who painted very pretty
pictures especially of ladies, and when anybody wanted to have their
wives or their daughters painted and could afford it they generally
asked him if he would mind doing it, because he made them look prettier
than they really were, but they said he was the only artist who could
make them look natural.

Well one day a friend of Brown Jukes called Carnaby Boot who wrote about
pictures in the newspapers said to him well Brown Jukes you may make
plenty of money but you are not much of an artist, and he said why not?

And he said why because your pictures are too pretty, I am sure I should
be ashamed to paint pictures like that.

And Brown Jukes said well you couldn't, could you?

And he said well perhaps not, but I know all about pictures and write
about them in the newspapers, and of course really good artists only
paint ugly pictures now.

Well Brown Jukes knew a lot of artists who did that, though he didn't
really care for their pictures, so he thought there was something in it,
and when an Earl asked him if he would mind painting his wife he thought
he would paint her ugly for a change just to show everybody he was
really a good artist.

So he did that, and the Earl's wife was fairly old and fat, and she had
never been pretty even when she was young, but the Earl had married her
because she had plenty of money and he had spent all his own, and it was
really she who was paying to have the picture done before she got too
fat and old altogether.

Well Brown Jukes quite enjoyed painting her and not having to make her
pretty which he was rather tired of doing except with ladies who really
were, it was such a strain on him, and he painted her as ugly as he
could but he wouldn't let her see the picture until it was finished. And
he wouldn't let the Earl see it either, and the Earl was rather annoyed
but he knew that Brown Jukes had plenty of money so he didn't say much.

[Illustration: _Brown Jukes quite enjoyed painting her._]

And the only person that Brown Jukes showed the picture to was Carnaby
Boot, and when he saw it he said well Brown Jukes it is a masterpiece
and I didn't think you could do it. And he promised to write about it in
the newspapers, and Brown Jukes was very pleased and he said now people
will see what a great artist I am really, and they will leave off
saying that my pictures are like the lids of chocolate boxes.

Well the Royal Academy was quite pleased to have the picture in their
exhibition because they had become rather tired of having only pretty
pictures and people saying they were behindhand, and they had been
having quite a lot of ugly ones lately. And Carnaby Boot wrote in the
newspapers and said it was the best picture in the Academy and it was a
good deal owing to him that Brown Jukes had painted it. And a lot of
people who didn't know any better laughed at the picture but they said
oh well if she is like that I suppose he couldn't help it but I
shouldn't like to be married to her myself.

But when the Earl saw the picture he didn't laugh and his wife didn't
either, and they wrote to Brown Jukes and said if he didn't give them
back the money they had paid him for the picture they would have a trial
about it and the judge would make him.

Well Brown Jukes wouldn't give back the money so they had a trial about
it. And by that time the Academy was shut for the year so they could
have the picture there to look at. And when the Judge saw it he laughed,
and he said it is really rather funny, did you say it was in _Punch_?
and they said no it was in the Academy.

And he said do you mean the Edinburgh Academy, because that is where I
was at school? and they said no the Royal Academy.

And the Judge said oh I don't know anything about that and I have never
been there, well we must get on with this trial, tell the Earl's wife to
stand up beside the picture, and if she is really like several balloons
stuck together and has hands like two hams I shall tell the jury that
Mr. Brown Jukes needn't give back the money, but if she isn't like that
he will have to.

Well the Earl objected to that because he said he didn't want his wife
made fun of, it was quite bad enough as it was. And the Judge said well
I think there is something in that you mustn't think you can have it all
your own way here just because you are an Earl, judges are much more
important than Earls, but I don't believe in making ladies uncomfortable
even when they are ugly. I will tell you what we will do. I suppose your
wife won't mind showing us her hands will she? She can stand behind a
screen and stick out her hands, and then we shall see whether Mr. Brown
Jukes has painted them properly or not.

So the Earl's wife did that, and her hands were rather fat but they were
well manicured and had plenty of rings on them, and the Judge had them
measured and the hands in the picture too and they weren't the same size
at all, besides one hand in the picture being several sizes larger than
the other, and the Earl's wife hadn't got a single wart on her knuckles
but all the knuckles in the picture had one at least. So that settled
it, but just to make sure they asked a gentleman called Mr. Slumber to
give evidence, and he said he had been making gloves all his life but if
he had had to make gloves for a lady like the one in the picture it
would have taken the skin of a whole reindeer.

So then the Judge was very much down on Brown Jukes, and he said he had
a good mind to send him to prison to teach him that he couldn't go on
like that. He said he had never heard of him before but he had been told
that up till now he had painted quite pretty pictures, so he would deal
leniently with him. He would have to give back the money he had had for
the picture and pay the Earl a hundred pounds for hurting his wife's
feelings, and he hoped it would be a lesson to him.

Well Brown Jukes didn't mind that at all, because a rich American bought
the picture for much more than the Earl had paid him for it, and Carnaby
Boot wrote an article to say that Brown Jukes was quite as good an
artist as SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS and he wasn't sure he wasn't even better,
and it was time that pictures like that were stopped from leaving the
country.

And soon after that Carnaby Boot came to Brown Jukes and he said I am
rather tired of praising ugly pictures and I am going to make pretty
ones the fashion again, so if you would like to go back to painting them
you can.

So Brown Jukes did that, and by this time he was so famous that he could
charge twice as much for his pictures as he had done before, and he made
them prettier than ever and pleased everybody.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

III

THE CANNIBALS


Once when Mr. Jimble was in Africa where he used to go sometimes to
shoot lions and tigers and hippopotamuses he came across some cannibals
which he hadn't expected.

And the black boys who had been carrying him in a hammock ran way and
all the others too so he was left alone with the cannibals, and they
wrapped him up in the hammock so that he could breathe all right but
couldn't use his arms or his legs, and the chief of them said now that
is very lucky because we haven't had a white man to eat for a long time
and it will be a treat and a change of diet.

And Mr. Jimble said yes that's all right but I suppose you will feed me
up first won't you? because I am rather thin through taking so much
exercise lately in this heat and I am afraid you would find me rather
stringy.

Well the chief was surprised at hearing him talk in his own language and
asked him how he had learnt it. And he said oh well I have always been
interested in languages and I learnt it at Oxford, I wish you would tell
somebody to untie me, I will promise not to run away.

So the chief told them to untie him and he said come into my kraal and
we can have a nice talk.

So they went into the kraal and it was rather smelly, but Mr. Jimble was
glad to get out of the sun. And there was a little boy there and he said
to the chief I suppose that is your little boy, where does he go to
school?

And the chief said well he doesn't go anywhere, but I should like him to
go to school and learn English, where would you recommend?

And Mr. Jimble said well I was at Eton myself and it is a very good
school, if you like I will give you a letter to the headmaster.

And the chief said oh thank you, I will remind you of that before we eat
you. I suppose they would let him have his own diet at Eton, I could
send over some people I don't want out of my tribe for him to eat if
they didn't care about providing white people for him.

Mr. Jimble said well you would have to make your own arrangements about
that, and now what about eating me? If you like I will tell you exactly
how to feed me so that I shall taste nice when I am cooked, and if you
will take my advice you will have me boiled and not roasted because I
shall be more of a delicacy like that.

And the chief said oh yes we can easily manage that, there is a river
not far off and we can dig a hole here and bring water for it in
gourds.

And Mr. Jimble said dig the hole at once and fill it with hot water
every evening and I can get into it before having dinner, then I shall
be easier to boil when the time comes.

So the chief did that, and Mr. Jimble showed them how to dig a hole the
shape of a bath and every evening he had a nice hot bath in it. And he
made them bring him all sorts of nice things to eat and told them how to
cook them, because he said he wanted to taste as nice as possible when
they ate him and this was the best way. And he had several bottles of
wine in his luggage so he drank that, and he always gave the chief a
glass of port when he had finished his dinner, but he said he didn't
advise him to have more than one because he wasn't used to it.

Well the chief grew quite friendly with him and he said I am sure I am
very much obliged for all the trouble you are taking, the last white man
we caught made such a fuss that it was quite unpleasant.

And Mr. Jimble said oh I don't believe in making a fuss about anything,
and I am very pleased to oblige you.

And the chief said I am sure you will taste delicious, when do you think
you will be ready?

Mr. Jimble said well I have been thinking about that, have you ever
heard about Escoffier sauce? and the chief said no.

And he said well if you like I will buy you some to go with me, and the
chief said oh thank you, where can you get it?

And he said I will send a letter to a friend of mine in Cape Town with
some money in it, and one of your cannibals must run as fast as he can
with the letter and bring back the sauce, and when he comes back you
can serve me up as soon as you like.

So the chief did that, and when the cannibal had gone with the letter he
often used to talk about the treat they were going to have, and he said
I wish you were going to be there because I have quite come to like you,
but I don't see how it can be managed.

Well the cannibal was a long time away and the chief began to get rather
impatient, but Mr. Jimble said I will tell you what I will do to pass
the time, I will prepare your little boy for Eton, because he will have
to pass an examination to get in and he must know some English as well
as Latin and arithmetic and other things, and I could teach him to play
cricket too.

So he did that, and the chief's little boy soon learnt to talk English,
and they made some balls out of some light wood, and some cricket-bats
and wickets and bails, and all the cannibals wanted to play cricket too
when they saw it. So Mr. Jimble taught them, and he made up two quite
good elevens and gave them different colours, and they used to play
matches together. And that went on for nearly two months.

And then one morning a cannibal came running up and said there were a
lot of white soldiers all round them with guns, and what had they better
do?

Well the chief saw it was no good trying to run away and he was very
frightened, but Mr. Jimble said he would talk to the soldiers and they
wouldn't do anything if the chief and all the cannibals kept quiet.

So he went out and said to the Captain of the soldiers, well you got my
letter, I am glad you came, I don't think you need kill any of these
people unless you particularly want to, they are quite decent really
except that they are cannibals.

And the Captain said well they have got to leave off being cannibals or
I shall take them all prisoners and I shall have the chief shot.

So Mr. Jimble told the chief that and he was quite surprised and said it
was the first he had heard of there being anything wrong in being a
cannibal and why hadn't Mr. Jimble told him before? And he said well for
one thing I didn't want to hurt your feelings, and besides you might
have thought I was only telling you that to save myself being eaten.

So it all ended happily and Mr. Jimble went back to England. And he was
glad he had not been eaten by the cannibals but he had had to tell a
good many lies to prevent himself from being and he didn't feel quite
comfortable about that. So he added up all he could remember of the lies
he had told and gave half-a-crown for each one to a hospital.

And before long the chief died from indigestion and his little boy
became chief instead. It had fallen through about his going to Eton but
he could decline _mensa_ and add up pounds shillings and pence and he
was the best cover-point in the tribe, so he made quite a good chief.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

IV

THE JUMBLE SALE


Mr. and Mrs. Woddy hadn't been married very long and they sometimes
quarrelled, they hadn't got tired of each other yet but they hadn't got
quite used to not having their own way in everything, and of course
husbands and wives can't both have their own way and one has to give in
to the other sometimes, and Mrs. Woddy didn't see why she should,
because after all he had promised to endow her with all his worldly
goods and did he mean it or didn't he?

Well the Vicar of the place where they lived wanted some money for
repairing the organ, the bellows had become very wheezy and one of the
high notes _would_ go on sounding all the time the organist was playing
and two of them had got stuck together with a jujube and there were
several other things wrong with it, and it would cost about twenty
pounds to have it put right. So he thought the best thing was to have a
jumble sale because it was hardly worth a bazaar and besides people
would go on having raffles in bazaars and he didn't believe in that when
it was for a sacred object.

Well everybody was asked to turn out all the rubbish they didn't want
which was only collecting dust and send it to the Vicarage, and Mrs.
Woddy hadn't got any old clothes of her own because she had had
everything new when she was married, but Mr. Woddy had kept a lot of
clothes that he had had when he was a bachelor and she went through his
wardrobe and found several things that she thought he could spare, and
she sent two perfectly hideous vases that an aunt of hers had given her
for a wedding present, and she could always say they had been broken by
mistake if she came to see her and asked where they were, it was quite
likely that they might have been broken by that time and anyhow she
didn't mind telling a white lie so as not to hurt her aunt's feelings.

Well when Mr. Woddy came home from his business that evening he was
rather low in his spirits, because he was a fur merchant and he had
bought some astrakhan from Russia and they had sent him clipped poodle
instead. And he told Mrs. Woddy about it and he said it all comes from
trusting Russians and I can't do anything because of the Ogpu, it is a
great relief to come home and forget all about it, what is there for
dinner?

And she said you will see when the time comes, but you haven't asked me
what I have been doing to-day. And he said well what _have_ you been
doing, washing the cat? because he was still feeling depressed in his
spirits and he thought she wasn't very sympathetic.

And she was rather annoyed with him and said no, have you been brushing
the poodle?

Well that made him angry because he didn't want to hear anything more
about poodles for a long time, and when she told him about the jumble
sale and said she had sent six of his shirts to it and an old ulster and
several of his ties he was simply furious. And that made her angry too,
and she said well I never did like those shirts with red and blue
anchors on them and Charles would never think of wearing shirts like
that, when I married you I thought I had married a gentleman.

Well Charles was her brother who was a Captain in the army and she was
always holding him up to Mr. Woddy which he couldn't stand, especially
as Charles was always asking him to lend him some money which he hadn't
told her of but it rankled, and he said you don't mean to say you have
given away that brown ulster of mine, why I have had it for nearly
twenty years.

And she said well then it is quite time you got rid of it, and I am sure
Charles would be ashamed to go about in a thing like that, he is always
well dressed and doesn't care what he owes for his clothes. And he said
damn Charles, what did you price the ulster at? and she said
three-and-sixpence.

Well then he was almost mad with fury and he said well you shall see.
And what he did was to rush upstairs and take one of her very best hats
and come down and flourish it in her face and then go straight off to
the Vicarage with it.

[Illustration: _She said for shame Hubert._]

Well the Vicar was pleased to see Mr. Woddy and he said oh what a
beautiful hat, is it for the jumble sale, what do you price it at? And
he said one and threepence, but there has been a mistake about a brown
ulster and I should like to buy it back if you don't mind. And the Vicar
said oh no, you can have it for seven shillings, quite a lot of husbands
have bought back things that their wives sent us and we are making more
money like that than we shall by selling things cheap, are you sure you
wouldn't like to buy back your shirts and ties? the shirts were only
priced at fourpence each and I would let you have them at a shilling,
and you could have the ties at sixpence each instead of a penny, you
would have to pay much more at a shop. So he bought back some of his
ties but he left the shirts because of Charles.

Well when he got home he found that Mrs. Woddy had gone to bed in a
temper and had sent for her mother Mrs. Surmise. And he said to himself
oh all right, we can have it out now and we will see who is master. And
he enjoyed his dinner and had some champagne with it, and by the time
Mrs. Surmise came round he was quite ready for her. And she went
straight up to her daughter, but he said she is sure to come down soon
and start in on me, so he put on his old ulster and sat down to wait for
her, not because he was cold but because he wanted to show who was
master.

Well Mrs. Surmise soon came down and she was a very presumptuous woman
and directly she came into the room she said for shame Hubert get up out
of that chair at once and go upstairs and say you wish to be forgiven or
I won't answer for the consequences.

And he said nobody asked you to Mrs. Surmise, when it comes to selling a
man's favourite ulster behind his back it is not the business of the
mother of the wife of that man to interfere and she does it at her
peril.

And she glared at him and said you are a brute, and he said well I may
be but it is not for you to say so Mrs. Surmise.

And she said you are drunk and walked straight out of the house.

So then Mr. Woddy felt better and he went upstairs and found Mrs. Woddy
crying, because she did love him really and she was all right when she
wasn't under the influence of Charles or her awful old mother. And she
said she was sorry for selling his ulster and he said he was sorry for
selling her hat and he would go and buy it back again.

So they made it up, and the jumble sale was a great success and Mr.
Woddy let the Vicar have his ulster after all because he never wore it
and it was only collecting dust.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

V

HENRY THE EIGHTH


When Henry the Eighth was young he was going to be a clergyman, but when
his brother Arthur died his father who was Henry the Seventh said well
you can't be a clergyman now because you will have to be King of England
after me.

And he said oh I don't mind because now I shall be able to marry, I have
always liked the idea of that.

So soon after he became King his Council came to him, and they said what
do you think about marrying Katharine of Aragon?

And he said well I think I won't if you don't mind, and they said why
not?

And he said because she is a little old for me and I have never cared
much about the shape of her face.

But they said they thought it would be a good thing, and Henry the
Eighth said oh very well I don't really mind and I suppose I shall get
used to her in time.

So he married Katharine of Aragon and they had a little girl called Mary
who was afterwards Queen of England, and they got on fairly well
together because Henry the Eighth was busy suppressing monasteries and
making arrangements for having battles and charging taxes and all those
things with his great friend Cardinal Wolsey, so he didn't see too much
of her.

Well that went on for some time and then Henry the Eighth thought he
would marry Anne Boleyn because Cardinal Wolsey told him he ought not to
have married Katharine of Aragon, it was a mistake, and anyhow he liked
Anne Boleyn better.

But he thought he had better ask the Pope first, and the Pope sent
Cardinal Campeggio to England to see about it, and he told Henry the
Eighth that he wasn't to.

Well Henry the Eighth was angry at that and he said it was all Cardinal
Wolsey's fault, and he would have cut off his head if he hadn't died
before he could do it.

And he said I can't have the Pope interfering with me like this, it
won't do at all, I shall be a Protestant and suppress all the rest of
the monasteries.

So he did that, and then he married Anne Boleyn. And he got Thomas
Cromwell to help him to do what he wanted instead of Cardinal Wolsey.

Well Anne Boleyn had a little girl called Elizabeth, and she was Queen
of England too afterwards, but Henry the Eighth found he didn't like
Anne Boleyn as much as he thought he would, and she didn't behave very
nicely, so he had her head cut off and next week he married Jane
Seymour.

And he liked her very much and she had a little boy called Edward, who
was King of England afterwards, but Jane Seymour died, and he was very
sorry because she was nicer than the other two.

So then he married Anne of Cleves, but she was very ugly like a horse,
so he got rid of her at once. He didn't have her head cut off but he
said it was all Thomas Cromwell's fault and he had his head cut off
instead.

And then he married Katharine Howard, but she didn't behave well either,
or at least he said she didn't, so he had her head cut off.

And then Henry the Eighth said well I am getting rather old and I have
got to marry somebody, but it is becoming a little awkward because
ladies don't seem to like me as much as they used to but I dare say I
can find somebody suitable.

And he found Katharine Parr, and she had been married before so she knew
how to treat him so as not to have her head cut off. And she was kind to
his children though she didn't have any of her own, and soon after Henry
the Eighth died himself and then she felt more comfortable.

Henry the Eighth was rather fat with little squiggly eyes and he liked
dressing-up, you can see what he looked like from his photographs by
Holbein. People who write histories used to say he wasn't very nice, but
now they think he wasn't so bad after all and more religious than you
would think. They say he did a lot of good really though some of it was
by mistake. Perhaps he did have too many people's heads cut off but that
was more the fashion then than it is now, and it isn't quite fair to
blame him for having six wives because he never had more than one at a
time, he would have been ashamed to, and he didn't cut off the heads of
more than two of them.

And his people were fond of him, those whose heads he left on, and when
he died they said oh well it might have been worse.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

VI

THE FUR BOA


One morning when Miss Punshon was hurrying to catch her bus she saw a
very expensive boa made of silver fox which somebody had dropped on the
pavement, and she picked it up so as to prevent it being trodden on, but
she didn't mean to keep it because that would have been stealing and her
father was a clergyman and she was particular about that sort of thing.

Well when she came out into the street where the buses ran there was a
policeman there directing the traffic, so she thought she would ask him
what she had better do about it. And she ran across the road to where he
was standing and told him about the fur boa, and he pulled out his
note-book and began to write down what she said. But she hadn't time to
wait for all that because she could see her bus coming along, so she
said well I can't wait for you to write your exercises, you must take
care of the fur boa and find the lady who dropped it. And he was quite
shocked at that and said she must take the fur boa to the
police-station herself and tell them all about it, and if they were
satisfied with her story they would let her go and she wouldn't hear any
more about it.

Well by this time the bus had stopped and was just ready to go on again
and there was just time for her to jump on to it, so she threw the fur
boa round the policeman's neck and said well you arrange it for me, my
name is Miss Punshon, and she jumped on to the bus and was carried away.

Well the policeman wasn't very quick in his movements and he had his
note-book and pencil in his hand, and by the time he had put them back
in his pocket the bus was a long way off and he couldn't do anything to
stop it. And just then a lady called Mrs. Firefly came running across
the road to him and said what do you mean by wearing my fur boa, I shall
report you to Lord BYNG, give it to me at once. And she snatched it off
his neck and said I shall send it to the cleaners and you will have to
pay for it being cleaned, I am not going to wear it after it has been
round the neck of a dirty policeman.

Well the policeman was very angry at being called dirty, and he said to
Mrs. Firefly you come along with me to the police-station and I shall
give you in charge for insulting an officer on point duty. But Mrs.
Firefly was just as angry as he was and she said yes I will come to the
police-station and I shall give you in charge for stealing a fur boa
made of silver fox and wearing it round your neck, I don't know what the
police force is coming to, they will be using lipsticks next.

Well there was quite a crowd by that time, and they were all laughing at
seeing a policeman with a fur boa round his neck and at what Mrs.
Firefly had said to him. So he got more angry still and took out a pair
of handcuffs, and he would have put them on Mrs. Firefly but she said
you dare. And the crowd was quite in her favour and said it would be a
shame if he put handcuffs on a lady who was as well dressed as she was
and could afford to buy fur boas made of silver fox. So he put the
handcuffs back in his pocket and said if you come quiet I shan't use
them. And she went quiet except that she was telling him all the time
what she thought of him, and a good many of the crowd who hadn't
anything particular to do that morning went with them and were very
interested in what Mrs. Firefly said.

So they came to the police-station and gave each other in charge, and
the head policeman didn't quite know what to do about it because he
wasn't used to having policemen on point duty given in charge for
stealing, but he went out and asked the most respectable people in the
crowd about it and they all said they had seen the policeman wearing the
fur boa, so he couldn't very well help himself. But he said to Mrs.
Firefly I suppose you know it is a very serious offence calling a
policeman on point duty dirty. I happen to know that this man has a hot
bath every Saturday night because my wife knows his wife and she told me
so, and if that is proved in court the judge might come down heavy on
you, I should advise you to apologise and withdraw the charge. And Mrs.
Firefly said I shall do nothing of the sort, and if you are not careful
I shall give you in charge for tampering with justice.

[Illustration: _I shall report you to Lord Byng._]

So he said oh very well have it your own way, the judge is sitting in
the court now and we may as well have this case tried at once, he is not
in a very good temper this morning because he had dinner last night
with some other judges and I happen to know that he drank too much port
which his liver can't stand, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Well the judge wasn't feeling at all well, and he had hoped that there
wouldn't be any cases to try that morning and he would have a pair of
white kid gloves given him and be able to go home. But there had been
two or three drunks and disorderlies, and now there was this case to
attend to, and he was annoyed and said to his clerk I shall make short
work of it.

But he found he couldn't make short work of it, because directly Mrs.
Firefly came into court she said to him it's no good your being livery
with me, if I don't get full satisfaction from this court I shall
complain to the Lord Chancellor. And he would have liked to commit her
for contempt of court but he knew she would make a disturbance and he
really didn't feel well enough for that. So he went into the case
thoroughly, and when he heard that the policeman had been seen directing
the traffic with Mrs. Firefly's fur boa round his neck he said it was
the most disgraceful thing he had ever heard of, and it was no good him
saying that he had a hot bath every Saturday night because he should
have said just the same if he had been told that he had one on Wednesday
night as well. And he said he should believe his story about Miss
Punshon throwing the fur boa round his neck when he produced Miss
Punshon in that court.

Well, just at that very moment Miss Punshon burst into the court and
began telling her story in a very excited way. And what had happened was
that her conscience had pricked her about throwing the fur boa round the
policeman's neck and then jumping on to the bus, and she had gone back
to the place where he had been directing the traffic and found out from
the other policeman there where he was. And she had come just in time to
save him from being sent to prison for stealing the fur boa.

Well the judge had such a splitting headache by this time that all he
wanted was not to hear any more females talking. So he said he thought
the case would be met by Mrs. Firefly giving Miss Punshon the fur boa
and the policeman apologising about the handcuffs. And Mrs. Firefly was
quite pleased to do that because it turned out that she was a member of
Miss Punshon's father's congregation and she had seen Miss Punshon in
church and taken a fancy to her. And each of them gave the policeman a
shilling, so he was quite satisfied. And the judge gave a wan smile and
said all's well that ends well and went home to lie down.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

VII

THE FANCY-DRESS DANCE


They were going to have a fancy-dress dance at the Hedgeside Tennis
Club, and Mrs. Boomer said she would go as Katharine of Aragon. She
wasn't at all like her and was much too fat but she thought she looked
regal, so Mr. Boomer said oh all right have it your own way, I shall go
as Jack Point.

Well Mr. Boomer was good at private theatricals, and when they had done
The Yeoman of the Guard at the Hedgeside Dramatic Club he had been Jack
Point and he had the dress, so he thought Mrs. Boomer would be pleased
at saving money for a new one especially as hers was going to be rather
expensive with all the pearls.

But she only said the idea of such a thing! you will come as my husband
Henry VIII, but if I catch you playing the fool with any Anne Boleyns
you will hear of it.

Well anybody might have known that a man as little as Mr. Boomer was
would look simply silly dressed up as Henry VIII, but as long as Mrs.
Boomer thought she didn't look silly herself she didn't mind that, so
Mr. Boomer had to give way, which he generally did when Mrs. Boomer put
her foot down so as to save trouble. And he found a costume of Henry
VIII and had it cut down for him, and he really didn't look half bad
though not like Henry VIII except for the hat and whiskers.

And when Mr. and Mrs. Boomer went into the hall everybody started
clapping and then laughing because they looked so silly, one very large
and one very small, and Mr. Boomer pretended to be sillier than he was
because he was used to doing that on the stage, but Mrs. Boomer looked
very offended.

Well Mr. Boomer's silliness didn't last long because something had been
coming over him ever since he had put on the costume. And directly he
came into the hall and saw the Vicar dressed up as Cardinal Wolsey it
came over him altogether, and he thought he was really Henry VIII and
Mrs. Boomer was Katharine of Aragon.

So he stuck his legs out and said as loud as he could what is this woman
doing here? take her away to the Tower and cut off her head.

Well everybody thought he was just trying to be funny but was carrying
it a little too far and would catch it afterwards from Mrs. Boomer. And
the Vicar said to him I think that is enough Boomer, a joke can go too
far.

But Mr. Boomer struck another attitude and said how now Sir Priest! By
my halidome I shall call on you to-morrow evening on my way from the
station for a divorce from this woman. See that you have it ready or you
go to the block.

Well Mrs. Boomer was so furious with him that she very nearly took him
by the scruff of the neck and shook him, but she thought it wouldn't be
like Katharine of Aragon to do that so she put on an expression of
frozen grief instead and kept that up when anybody came up to ask her to
dance, which she wasn't good at and didn't care about, but when somebody
asked her to go down to supper she thawed and went.

And in the meantime Mr. Boomer was the life and soul of the dance
because everybody wanted to hear what he would say next, and by this
time they didn't mind how far he went, and they said really if he was as
clever as that he ought to go on the regular stage. And there was a
young lady there called Anne Patry the daughter of the confectioner of
Hedgeside who _was_ on the regular stage, and she was merry in her
nature and didn't care much what she did as long as people would notice
her. So she said she was Anne Boleyn although she was dressed as a
Pierette, and she got Mr. Boomer to make love to her before everybody.

Well most of the younger people enjoyed this, and some of the young men
wished that Anne Patry would treat them like that instead of Mr. Boomer.
But the older ladies said it was a perfect scandal, and Mrs. Crow who
lived in the largest house in Hedgeside said she should certainly not
buy any more cakes at Patry's shop. And she said it was time Mr. Boomer
was spoken to and she would do it herself. So she sent her husband to
fetch him.

Well, Mr. Crow didn't much like doing that but he went up to Mr. Boomer
and said look here old man it is very funny but give it a rest for a
bit, my wife would like to have a word with you.

[Illustration: _How now Sir Priest!_]

But Mr. Boomer was just going to ask Anne Patry to come out and sit on
the stairs with him, so he frowned and said how now sirrah! your wife
dares to send for me! which is she?

And Mr. Crow said oh come now Boomer you know perfectly well, there she
is sitting at the top of the room.

And Mr. Boomer said what that woman with a face like a horse! take her
into the stable and give her a feed of hay, she looks hungry.

Well Mrs. Crow _was_ hungry because nobody had asked her to go in to
supper yet, and Mr. Boomer generally did that because he was very
kind-hearted and he used to say that if he had put up with twenty years
of Mrs. Boomer he could stand half-an-hour of Mrs. Crow. And if he had
been behaving like himself he would never have said that about her being
like a horse which she was and everybody knew it. But because he thought
he was Henry VIII he was thinking of Anne of Cleves and of course she
was like a horse and Henry VIII said so, so Mr. Boomer didn't see why he
shouldn't say it about Mrs. Crow.

But it made Mr. Crow angry especially as Anne Patry laughed at it, and
Mr. Crow thought she ought not to have done that as he lived in the
biggest house in the place and her father was only a confectioner. But
directly she laughed Mr. Boomer frowned at her too, and he said how now
wench would you cackle at my trusty Thomas Crow? Take her to the Tower.
I will now turn my attention to Jane Seymour.

So some of the young men took off Anne Patry, and she was rather tired
of Mr. Boomer by this time and was glad to go with them.

And Mr. Boomer went up to Jane Sort who was the Vicar's daughter just as
a foxtrot was beginning, and he said how now wench, wilt tread a
measure?

Well she looked rather frightened because she was only eighteen, and the
Vicar happened to be standing there and he said that's enough of it now
Boomer, leave the girls alone.

Well Mr. Boomer was just going to order somebody to cut off the Vicar's
head when Mrs. Boomer came up, and she had pulled herself together and
she smiled and said my liege it is time we wended homewards.

Well that seemed to bring Mr. Boomer to his senses. So he said let us
wend, and Mrs. Boomer took him by the arm above the elbow so as to have
no mistake about it and marched him out of the room.

And everybody laughed at that and they said now he will catch it and I
wouldn't be in his shoes, but he has really been very amusing though
perhaps he has gone a little too far.

Well Mr. Boomer didn't catch it so much as people expected because Mrs.
Boomer was rather proud of him for what he had done especially for
saying that about Mrs. Crow, because she didn't like Mrs. Crow and
thought she gave herself airs. And she knew there was really nothing in
the way Mr. Boomer had gone on with Anne Patry but it was only fun, and
besides she had never let them out of her sight.

So as they were going home in the taxi she said well I think you looked
very nice as Henry VIII considering you are almost a dwarf, but I knew
that when I married you so I suppose I can't grumble.

And Mr. Boomer had come to himself by this time, and he said well I
don't think you looked so bad as Katharine of Aragon though of course
you are much too fat for it. And I really didn't mean that about a
divorce, I don't want one.

And Mrs. Boomer said well you wouldn't get it if you did, mind you lock
up everything before you go to bed.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

VIII

THE BREACH OF PROMISE CASE


When Mr. Carnabas was staying at the seaside for his summer holiday he
made friends with Miss Pewrent who was in the same boarding house as he
was and they used to go about together and weigh themselves on the pier,
and sometimes they sat on the beach and threw stones into the water, and
they enjoyed themselves very much.

Well, one morning they were sitting on the beach and Mr. Carnabas said
these stones are rather hard for sitting on, I think I will hire two
chairs one for you and one for me, it will only cost fourpence and we
can go on sitting on them until dinner time so as to make it worth
while.

And Miss Pewrent said oh no, the way to get rich is not to spend money
like that, when the stones get too hard we can shift our position and
then we shan't notice it.

Well Mr. Carnabas thought to himself if only I had married somebody
like that I should be much richer than I am, and he said to Miss Pewrent
have you ever thought of getting married? you are rather old for it but
I should think you could easily find somebody who wouldn't mind that.
And Miss Pewrent said well I have thought of it sometimes and I should
quite like it, but do you think I am good-looking enough? And Mr.
Carnabas said well perhaps not but looks aren't everything, I am not
very good-looking myself. And Miss Pewrent said oh I think you are one
of the handsomest men I have ever seen, I was talking to Mrs. Mattrass,
that was their landlady, only yesterday about you and she said it made
her come over all queer to look at you.

Well Mr. Carnabas was pleased at her saying that because he wasn't at
all handsome really, his ears stuck out and he had a wart on each side
of his nose. So he liked Miss Pewrent better than ever, and on his last
evening at the seaside he took her to a lecture on starfishes where
there wasn't anything to pay, but he bought her a stick of chocolate out
of a machine. And he said he would like to write to her when he went
back to Birmingham, and she said she would write to him when she went
back to London.

So they wrote to each other once a week, and at Christmas time Mr.
Carnabas sent Miss Pewrent a present of a book with a hundred pieces of
poetry in it, and she sent him a present of two napkin rings of
imitation ivory, and she wrote in her letter that it would be useful to
have two of them when they got married.

[Illustration: _Oh I think you are one of the handsomest men I have ever
seen._]

Well Mr. Carnabas was surprised at her saying that because he was
thinking of marrying Mrs. Joby if she would have him, he didn't like her
so much as he liked Miss Pewrent but she had more money, and he only
hadn't asked her to marry him yet because he didn't know whether she
would let him have some of her money or would want to spend it all on
herself. So he sent back one of the napkin rings to Miss Pewrent and
thanked her for the other one and said he should always think of her
when he put his napkin into it. And he thought that was the best way of
showing her that he wasn't thinking of marrying her without hurting her
feelings.

Well the next thing was that Mr. Carnabas had a letter to say that he
had committed Breach of Promise of Marriage and there would have to be a
trial about it.

Well they had a trial, and the judge was a very nice man who was
interested in the Boy Scout movement in his private life and went in for
being as kind as he could to everybody. And he made Mr. Carnabas and
Miss Pewrent stand up in front of him and said to them now can't you two
people make it up and get married instead of going on with this trial?
you are middle-aged and are both so plain that it isn't likely you will
get another chance. You had better go into a private room and talk it
over, I can easily go on with another trial while you are making up your
minds. I have to try a murderer next but I don't think he did it so it
won't take long, and when you have had your little talk you can come
back and listen until I have finished.

Well Miss Pewrent said she didn't mind and Mr. Carnabas was just going
to say he didn't either, because he hadn't seen Miss Pewrent for over
six months and he thought he would like to have a little talk with her.
But just then a woman got up at the back of the court and said I object.

And the judge said who are you? and she said I am Mrs. Joby and the
prisoner at the bar promised to marry _me_.

And Mr. Carnabas said oh I never, but the judge said silence in the
court, it is for me to say whether you did or not, and I warn you that
if you are one of those men who go about asking women to marry you and
then getting out of it I shall take a severe view of it, because we
can't have that sort of thing in England, we are not Hottentots or
Bolsheviks either.

So then the trial had to go on, and the first thing was to read out the
letters that Mr. Carnabas had written to Miss Pewrent. And the judge
said well I don't think there is much in those letters, when I was in
love myself before I got married I used to call the young ladies Popsey
or Mousey or something like that when I wrote to them, but Mr. Carnabas
never goes beyond Dear Miss Ugly, and the jury will see that this is
quite natural when they look at Miss Pewrent. And there is only one
cross in all the letters and that looks more like crossing out a word
that he has spelt wrong than sending a kiss, why I sometimes used to put
six rows of crosses in my letters when I couldn't think of anything more
to say. Now Mrs. Joby please step forward and put in the letters he
wrote to you.

So Mrs. Joby stepped forward but she said that Mr. Carnabas hadn't
written her any letters except one when Mr. Joby died, and that was a
business letter because Mr. Carnabas was an undertaker and he had
offered to do the funeral cheap for her.

And the judge said well that might look as if he was already in love
with Mr. Joby's relict and it is for the jury to say whether he was or
not, but I shall direct them that he would be a very bad man if he was
and there is nothing to prove it.

Then he asked all of them about their incomes, and Miss Pewrent said she
hadn't got any income except what she earned by holding the
curling-tongs in a shop where ladies went to be shingled and sweeping up
the hair afterwards. And Mr. Carnabas said he was in a fair way of
business but the place where he lived was so healthy that there wasn't
as much custom as there might have been. And the judge said well now let
us hear about Mrs. Joby's income.

Well Mrs. Joby didn't want to tell him about her income, and she said
she didn't really want to marry Mr. Carnabas because he was too ugly for
her, but the judge said oh we can't have that now, you have intervened
in this case so I must go through with it, and he made her tell him what
her income was. And she had got it from Mr. Joby being a tin bath
manufacturer, and when people had begun to have more baths than they
used to be had got quite rich from selling his tin baths, and Mrs. Joby
had a good deal more than a thousand pounds a year.

So then the judge summed up, but first of all he asked Mr. Carnabas
whether he would marry Miss Pewrent if he summed up in his favour, and
he said he would because by this time he was feeling quite fond of Miss
Pewrent again, and besides he didn't want to pay her money for not
marrying her.

So the judge said very well then, you will leave this court without a
stain on your character and so will Miss Pewrent, who is not so ugly as
I thought she was when I first saw her. But I am not at all satisfied
with the way Mrs. Joby has given her evidence and I shall fine her a
hundred pounds which will be paid to Mr. Carnabas when he can show me
documentary evidence that he is married to Miss Pewrent. So they will
have something to set up house with and I hope they will be very happy.

So the jury brought it in like that and Mr. Carnabas and Miss Pewrent
got married as soon as possible. And what was nice about Mrs. Joby was
that she bore no malice but paid her hundred pounds, and she said it was
well worth it for making two people happy and she would ask them to
supper sometimes on Sunday evening.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

IX

THE DOCTOR


Once there was a doctor who had a very bad attack of chicken-pox, and he
was ashamed of having a thing like that so he said it was only
nettle-rash, and he went on visiting his patients and gave it to so many
of them that there was quite an epidemic in the town where he lived and
they had to put beds in the Corn Exchange.

Well nobody died of it but of course it was very awkward and interfered
with the business of the town, and everybody was very annoyed with the
doctor and the Mayor said he should send him to prison when he got
better, but he caught it himself the next day and when he recovered from
it the Town Council paid for him to have a holiday at Brighton and by
the time he was quite well again it had all rather blown over. But
nobody would have the doctor to attend to them any more and he got so
poor that he had to be a pavement artist, because he was rather good at
drawing with coloured chalks and he couldn't think of any other way to
make enough money to live on.

Well he made a fair amount of money because people were sorry for him
having to come down to that and they put coppers in his cap and
sometimes sixpences, but he didn't make as much as he wanted to and
presently he said to himself well I shall have to strike out a new line,
and instead of doing pictures of beefsteaks and sunsets he began to do
all the different parts of people's insides because of course he knew
what they looked like as he was a doctor. And people were interested in
seeing what their lungs and livers and all those things looked like and
he did fairly well out of it.

Well one day the chief clergyman of the town was going to give a lecture
in his schoolroom about the Pyramids which he knew a lot about as he had
seen them himself, but he had such a bad cold that he had to keep in
bed. And he didn't want to disappoint his congregation so he sent for
the doctor who had been a friend of his before he had become a pavement
artist, and he said to him could you give a lecture about people's
insides instead of my one about the Pyramids? you could do your pictures
rather large on pieces of cardboard and have them instead of lantern
slides. There will be a collection afterwards and I will give you half
of it, and if your lecture is interesting enough I should think you
would make quite a lot out of it.

And the doctor said well I will if you will lend me a good shirt and a
pair of patent leather shoes, all my clothes are very shabby now except
my dress suit and that is all right because nobody has invited me to go
to anything lately where I should have to put it on.

Well the clergyman's feet were about the same size as his so he lent him
his patent leather shoes which he wouldn't want himself that night as he
was in bed and a clean shirt and he had his hair cut and when he got on
to the platform he looked quite like a doctor again instead of a
pavement artist, and people who had never seen him like that were
surprised and said they should never have thought it. And he gave a very
interesting lecture mostly about appendixes with a lot of illustrations,
and at the end of it he said you would all feel much better if you had
your appendixes taken out, and I shall be pleased to do it for any
bon-fide member of this congregation at half price.

Well a lot of people thought this was a good offer but the other doctors
in the town were annoyed about it. And they said well anyhow he hasn't
got any place to operate in and we certainly shan't lend him one. But
the clergyman took his part and he said he would lend him his vestry to
do his operations in if he would promise to have it properly cleaned and
made tidy again afterwards. So the people came there, and when he had
operated on them he took them home in an ambulance and visited them
every day until they got better, and as he only charged half price he
soon had quite a good practice again and was able to buy himself some
nice clothes and some new stethoscopes and microscopes and things like
that.

[Illustration: _People were sorry for him._]

Well soon after that the doctor fell in love with the daughter of the
Mayor and wanted to marry her. And the Mayor didn't mind because he
wasn't quite a gentleman himself and he thought it would be a good thing
for his daughter to marry a doctor, but when he asked how much money
he made he said oh it isn't nearly enough, if I hadn't shown more
enterprise than that I shouldn't have been nearly so rich as I am. And
the doctor said well I work hard but of course I can only charge half
price, what do you think I ought to do?

And the Mayor said well I will tell you what you can do. That was a very
interesting lecture you gave about people's appendixes and you got a lot
of custom after it. What you ought to do is to go into partnership with
another doctor. You can go about the country giving lectures and leave
him behind to take out the appendixes while you go on to the next place.
I will look after the business end of it and we will divide the profits
into three parts and each of us take one.

So he got another doctor who was a friend of his to go into partnership
with him, and he was glad to do it because he was good at all operations
but his other practice had gone down because he had ordered a rich old
lady to eat less food when what she wanted him to do was to order her to
eat more food, and she had taken a dislike to him and told everybody
that he was no good as a doctor. And the Mayor approved of him and he
said we don't want to overdo it at first, we had better make appendixes
our chief feature but we can do tonsils and adenoids too and when we
have worked up a good connection we can think of something else that
people can do without.

Well it was such a success that the doctor soon made enough money to
marry the Mayor's daughter, and the Mayor was so pleased at the way
things were going that he gave up his business of being a bottle-blower
and devoted all his time to it. And he engaged two more doctors and
several dentists besides, because he said everybody has thirty-two teeth
and only one appendix and it is a pity to let all that custom go
begging. And he said it was only fair that he should take most of the
money for that himself as he had thought of it, but the doctor didn't
mind as he wasn't a dentist and besides he was making plenty to live on
now, and the Mayor had promised to leave his daughter all his money.

Well he left a good deal of money, because he had been so enterprising
and the doctor was able to retire and go in for painting entirely. And
he got so good at it that he sent a picture of a doctor doing an
operation to the Academy. But they sent it back to him with a polite
note to say that they would have liked to hang it but they thought it
would make people feel too squeamish.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

X

THE SPECTRE


Professor Crimple was one of those people who can see ghosts and
spectres, and it was very useful to him because he was often asked to
stay at quite important castles belonging to lords and people like that.
And sometimes he got rid of their ghosts for them by finding out what
they wanted so that they would leave off haunting them, and once he had
been able to tell the owner of a castle where some treasure was buried
which a ghost showed him, and the owner of the castle gave him some of
it, enough to pay for a vacuum cleaner which his wife wanted.

Well one day a clergyman wrote to Professor Crimple and asked him if he
would come and stay in his vicarage and see about a spectre which sat
upon a tombstone in his churchyard and gibbered at people and frightened
them. And Professor Crimple hadn't any castles to go to just then so he
wrote back and said he would if he might bring Mrs. Crimple and if they
could have a fire in their bedroom. And the clergyman said that would be
all right so they went there.

Well when they got there the clergyman said I think we had better go to
the churchyard as soon as possible, we will just have a cup of tea first
and then it will be dark except for the new moon.

So they did that, and as they were going to the churchyard Professor
Crimple said now tell me what the spectre is like and if you know who it
was when it was alive.

And the clergyman said well I have never seen it myself but people who
have think it is a young woman called Meg Jillip who pushed another
woman out of a boat and drowned her because she had married somebody she
wanted to marry herself.

Professor Crimple said was she hanged for it or not? because it is
important to know that if I am to do anything.

And the clergyman said yes she was, what I like about you is that you go
into everything thoroughly, would you rather drink claret or white wine
for dinner to-night?

And Professor Crimple said well I would rather drink both, and the
clergyman said well you shall, I can afford it because an uncle of my
wife's has left her some money and we haven't spent it all yet.

Well they came to the churchyard, and the wind was howling and
shrieking, and the first thing Professor Crimple saw was the spectre
sitting on one of those old-fashioned flat tombstones. And the outside
of her wasn't bad-looking at all, and directly she saw him she smiled at
him and said I am so glad you have come, I like the look of you, but do
send that old chimpanzee away and then we can have a nice talk.

So Professor Crimple said to the clergyman she thinks we shall be more
comfortable talking together alone, and he was quite surprised because
he hadn't heard her speaking himself. But he went away and Professor
Crimple said well I shall be back soon, mind you make up the fire well
because it is rather cold in this churchyard, and if you don't mind I
should like some whisky to drink when I come in.

Well directly the clergyman had gone away the spectre said to Professor
Crimple do come and sit down by me on this tombstone, I have taken such
a fancy to you that I am quite in love with you, do you think you could
love me for myself?

Well Professor Crimple was rather flattered but he said no certainly
not, for one thing I can see right through you to your skeleton and for
another Mrs. Crimple wouldn't like it.

Well directly he said that the spectre grew simply hideous with passion
and gibbered at him, and she said no gentleman would mention her
skeleton to a lady spectre and the moment I saw you coming I said to
myself who is this revolting old baboon?

And Professor Crimple said well then why did you say you had taken a
fancy to me?

And the spectre let out a screech, but directly after she smiled again
and said oh I was only teasing you, come and sit down by me and I will
tell you everything.

But Professor Crimple thought there was a catch in it and he said no
thank you, you can tell me while I am standing up.

[Illustration: _If you will only leave off gibbering._]

Well then the spectre grew more furious than ever and gibbered at him
again, and she said oh if I could only get at you do you know what I
should do? and he said no.

She said well I should tear you limb from limb, and she made a sort of
struggle to get at him but she couldn't move from her stone. So then he
knew why she had wanted him to sit beside her on the stone and was glad
he hadn't.

Well when she saw it was no use she calmed down a little, and told him
that she was obliged to haunt the churchyard whenever there was a new
moon until somebody came who would love her for herself, and she asked
him if he couldn't possibly find somebody for her but he said he didn't
think he could and went away as soon as possible.

Well directly he got outside the churchyard he saw a farmer coming
towards him, and when he came close he saw that he was a spectre too. So
he stopped him and asked him who he was.

And he said well about fifty years ago I wanted to marry Meg Jillip but
she didn't care about it. Then there was some unpleasantness which I
needn't go into and she became a spectre, and I didn't see her again
until I became a spectre myself. I am allowed to come here once a year
and see her but she can't see _me_ until she leaves off hating
everybody, and people take such a dislike to her and run away whenever
they see her that I don't suppose she ever will.

Well Professor Crimple was sorry for this spectre because he looked so
nice and honest, and he said do you still love her for herself? I
shouldn't have thought you could, because she does gibber so.

And he said oh yes I do, you can't blame her for being a little
irritable, she has had such a lot to put up with.

So Professor Crimple said well come along with me, and he led him to
the churchyard, and directly he got there the other spectre said oh you
have come back have you? have you found that you can love me for myself
after all?

And he said no, but I have brought somebody who can if you will only
leave off gibbering, and then you can see him.

And she said who is it? and he said well I don't know his name but it is
that farmer who wanted to marry you about fifty years ago.

So then her face got quite nice and she said I have often wished I
hadn't been so hasty because I did like him.

And directly she had said that she saw the other spectre, and he went
and sat down by her on the tombstone, and then they both faded away.

So Professor Crimple went back to the vicarage, and the clergyman was so
pleased with him for getting rid of the spectre that he gave him a very
expensive cigar out of a box which his wife's uncle had left her, and
they had a comfortable time sitting in front of the fire and talking
about ghosts and spectres.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XI

THE CHEMIST


Once there was a chemist called Mr. Rainspot who liked making up
prescriptions for people, but he didn't quite approve of everything the
doctors put into them so he often used to alter them and put in
something else instead. And people generally got better from taking the
medicine he sent them, and if they didn't he would say to them well I
never did think that medicine would do you much good, if you like I will
make you up one of my own to try, I don't suppose it will kill you, and
if it makes you better you will save having to pay a doctor because I
shan't charge you anything except for the medicine, and if you send back
the bottle I will take off twopence.

Well what Mr. Rainspot used to do was to collect all the plants he could
and make medicines out of them and see how they acted, and he always
tried them on his children's rabbits first, and if the rabbits died then
he knew that they were poison so he didn't use them in the medicines he
sent out to people. But if they didn't do the rabbits any harm then he
used to try them on different people, and sometimes they felt much
better and then they would tell their friends how good Mr. Rainspot's
medicines were.

Well one day Mr. Rainspot was digging in his garden and he saw a weed
which he had never noticed before, and he said to himself I think I will
make a medicine out of this, it might be quite a good one and I could
make plenty of money out of selling it.

So he did that and he gave it first to an old rabbit which rather liked
taking medicine and hadn't been poisoned yet by anything he had given
it. And the next day the old rabbit was jumping about everywhere and
fighting much younger rabbits, and it seemed to be stronger than any of
them. So Mr. Rainspot said to himself I am sure I have found out a good
medicine at last, who shall I try it on?

Well that afternoon Mrs. Rainspot said to him I don't feel at all well,
I suppose it is this heat. I wish you would make me up a tonic or
something like that, but I don't want any of your private medicines, it
must be something that a good doctor has ordered for somebody else.

So he said oh very well, and he gave her the same medicine that he had
given to the rabbit because he knew she couldn't tell the difference,
and he told her it was something that had been ordered for the wife of a
bishop, so she said she supposed it would do and took a good dose of it.

Well the next thing that happened was that Mrs. Rainspot came into the
shop where Mr. Rainspot was arguing with a navvy who said that he had
poisoned him with some medicine he had given him for the rheumatism, and
it was so strong that it had made his eyes squint but it hadn't done
his rheumatism any good at all. And Mr. Rainspot was feeling very
uncomfortable about it because he knew he had made a mistake with that
medicine which he had meant to pour down the sink because it hadn't
agreed with any of the rabbits and one of them had had convulsions after
taking it, and the navvy was so angry that he knew he was going to hit
him directly he had finished saying all the rude things he could think
of saying.

[Illustration: _She took hold of him and turned him out of the shop._]

Well when Mrs. Rainspot came into the shop the navvy was saying
something so rude that it wouldn't do to write it down, and she said
what is that, how dare you say a thing like that to my husband?

And the navvy said who is going to stop me? and she said why I am, and
she took hold of him and turned him out of the shop though he was about
twice as big as she was, and she said to Mr. Rainspot that tonic you
gave me has done me such a lot of good that I feel ten years younger and
I must go out for a good long walk, I think you had better come with me
because you look rather pale.

So Mr. Rainspot left his assistant in charge of the shop and went with
her because he wanted to see how she would walk which she had never much
liked doing before and always took buses if she could. And she walked
about ten miles there and back very fast and kept on saying how strong
she felt, but Mr. Rainspot didn't feel at all strong and when they got
home again he was so done up that he could hardly eat his supper and
went to bed directly after it. Still he was very pleased because he knew
that it was all because of his new medicine, and he thought he would
take a dose of it himself, but then he thought well perhaps I had better
try it on somebody else first just to make sure.

So the next day he sent a bottle of it to the bishop's wife instead of
the medicine that the doctor had ordered for her. And just at that time
the bishop was having a lot of trouble with the inferior order of
clergy, but after his wife had taken Mr. Rainspot's new medicine she
said oh leave them to me, and she was so strong in what she said to them
that the bishop didn't have any more trouble with them and she took him
for a motor tour in a two-seater, though they were both quite old.

Well then Mr. Rainspot knew it was all right and he took some of the
medicine himself, and directly he had taken it he felt as if he wanted
to break all the bottles in his shop and dance on them. But he knew he
would be sorry for it afterwards if he did that, so he offered to fight
his assistant who was quite young and strong. And the assistant was glad
to fight him because he thought he didn't give him enough money or time
off and it would be nice to give him a black eye. But Mr. Rainspot won
the fight quite easily and made the assistant's nose bleed, so then he
wasn't so glad and he said I didn't know you were so strong as that, I
suppose it is from one of your private medicines, I wish you would give
me some of it. So Mr. Rainspot gave him some, and when he had taken it
he wanted to fight him again but Mr. Rainspot said no once is enough.

Well then Mr. Rainspot knew that he had discovered about the best
medicine that had ever been invented, and he confessed it to his wife
that it was what he had given her and she forgave him and helped him to
pick the weeds that he made it of and put it into bottles. And he put it
in the newspapers that he had invented a medicine that would make people
feel ten years younger and they must pay him five pounds a bottle for it
less twopence for sending back the bottle, but if anybody couldn't
afford that he could send them a weaker medicine that would make them
feel five years younger at half the price.

Well it was a great success, and Mr. and Mrs. Rainspot spent all the
time they could spare from going for long walks in making up the
medicine, and they made so much money out of it that in about a year Mr.
Rainspot was able to retire from being a chemist altogether, and they
went to live in Switzerland where there were plenty of mountains to
climb because they both felt so strong that they liked doing that
better than anything. And by that time they had used up all the weeds
out of which the medicine was made and couldn't find any more of them,
but it didn't matter because Mr. Rainspot had sold his invention to a
large pill-maker and he didn't have to worry about that.

And after ten years when Mr. and Mrs. Rainspot were feeling about as old
as when the medicine was first invented they came back to live in
England because they were tired of climbing mountains by this time, and
they took up reading books instead. And they had a nice house and garden
and plenty of money, and their children were all getting on well so they
were quite happy for the rest of their lives.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XII

THE DRAGON


Once a long time ago there was a very horrible dragon that settled
itself in a swamp near a city and began to eat up the people who lived
near it. So of course they didn't go on living there but came into the
city where there was less chance of the dragon getting at them.

Well nothing happened for about a week because the dragon was sleepy
after its last meal and was drinking water out of the swamp, as it
didn't believe in drinking with its meals. But when it began to feel
hungry again it came waddling up to the city to see what had become of
all the people. And everybody saw it come and they had time to shut all
the gates, but that didn't make any difference because the dragon just
blew fire at them out of its nose until they were burnt down. And it was
no use their shooting arrows at it because its skin was so hard and
thick that they didn't even stick in it and none of them got through. So
all they had time to do was to take a murderer out of prison and tie
him to a post just inside the gate and then run away again. So the
dragon ate the murderer and waddled back to its swamp.

Well the King lost no time in collecting all his counsellors together to
make a plan about it. And he said to them it is very unfortunate this
happening just now because I was just arranging for a nice little war,
we haven't had one for some time and the soldiers are getting fat and
lazy, but of course we must get rid of the dragon first.

And the counsellors said well how are we to get rid of it? and one of
them said much the best way will be to give it a murderer once a week
and perhaps that will keep it quiet.

And the King said oh that's silly, for one thing we haven't got enough
murderers, and besides the dragon is sure to want a change of diet. None
of you seem to have read history, the only thing to do with dragons is
to send out notices that anybody who kills one which has happened to
turn up shall marry the King's daughter and have half his kingdom.

And the counsellors said well that might work, but it is more a thing
for you than for us.

And the King said well I have only got one daughter and she will have to
get married some time or other though she is a little young for it now.
Of course she must marry a prince, but there are plenty of them about
and it won't so much matter if they haven't got kingdoms of their own as
they will have half of mine.

And the counsellors said but will you like giving up half of your
kingdom? and he said oh of course it will be for me to say _which_
half.

Now the Princess was too beautiful for words, but as she was so young
and had been kept in the schoolroom until then none of the princes who
wanted to get married knew much about her except that she would be quite
rich when her father died. But the King had a lot of pictures done of
her with her hair up and sent them all round, and presently all the
princes who weren't married and were brave enough not to mind about the
dragon were sending in and asking to have their names put down.

Well the King was pleased at this, and he got his counsellors to help
him make a list so that he could invite one prince a week beginning with
the one who lived nearest, and keep the dragon quiet until one of them
managed to kill it. But it all took a little time and they had to give
the dragon another murderer until the first prince had made his
arrangements.

Well the Princess had been told all about it, and before the princes
went out to the swamp to try and kill the dragon the King always gave
them a nice banquet with plenty of good wine and flowers on the table
and interesting people to talk to. And at the end of the banquet some
trumpets were blown and the Princess came in looking too utterly lovely
and the Prince who had come that week was allowed to talk to her for
half-an-hour on a sofa and then her governess took her up to bed. And
they all fell so much in love with her that they never minded going to
the swamp the next morning to fight with the dragon.

But the Princess didn't fall in love with any of them, so she didn't
mind it as much as she might have done when they never came back again
though of course she was sorry for their relations.

[Illustration: _So the dragon ... waddled back to the swamp._]

Well it doesn't say in the histories how many princes tried to kill the
dragon but there must have been a good many, and one of them must have
run away because the dragon was hungry and came into the city the next
day and took a lame poulterer who was going along the street. And
presently there was only one prince left who came from a long way off,
and if he didn't manage to kill the dragon the King didn't know what on
earth to do next. And he said well it is no good worrying beforehand,
let us enjoy the banquet.

Now when the Princess heard that the last prince of all was coming she
said to her old nurse supposing he doesn't kill the dragon what will
happen then?

And the old nurse said oh I can easily arrange that for you, I was a
witch before I came to be your nurse, only I had got very tired of it
because it led to so much unpleasantness so I was glad to take the
situation. I will give you a tabloid that makes whoever swallows it
invisible for any time up to half-an-hour, so all you will have to do is
to give it to the Prince and he can swallow it just before he begins to
fight the dragon, so then the dragon won't see him and he can stick his
sword through its eye and that will kill it.

Well the Princess thought this was a very good arrangement and when she
went down after the banquet she took the tabloid with her. But directly
she saw the Prince she thought it would be so awful to marry somebody
who was perfectly hideous and bald and middle-aged that she didn't know
what to do about it but waited until he came to sit on the sofa beside
her.

But he didn't come to sit on the sofa beside her because he didn't want
to marry somebody as young as she was, he only wanted half of the
kingdom. And he was having such an interesting talk with the King about
some new dungeons he had been making that he sent his page to sit beside
her instead.

Well directly she saw the page whose name was Florizel the Princess fell
in love with him, and of course he was in love with her because nobody
who was young could help being, and as the governess had gone upstairs
to read a book they had a lovely talk together and settled what they
would do.

So the next morning the Princess asked if she might go to the swamp to
see the fight with the dragon, and the King said yes let's all go and
make a picnic of it. So they all went and of course the dragon killed
the Prince, and the King said well that's the last of them and after we
have had lunch we must think what we are going to do next.

So then Florizel stepped forward and he said if I kill the dragon may I
marry the Princess? I don't want half the kingdom, you can keep that for
yourself.

And the King said well if there had been any princes left I should have
said no, but as there aren't any more you can have her if you kill the
dragon.

So Florizel said thank you, and directly he had said it the King said
why where ever has he gone?

Well of course Florizel was invisible because he had just swallowed the
tabloid which the Princess had given him. And the next thing that
happened was that the dragon looked up from eating the Prince and gave a
great howl of anguish and the blood began to spurt out of its right eye
and presently it was dead.

And there was Florizel kissing the Princess and she was kissing him, and
the King was so pleased at getting rid of the dragon at last that he
didn't mind at all.

So they got married and loved each other more and more as the years
rolled on.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XIII

THE FOUNDLING.


Soon after Sarah November was born her mother left her on a doorstep
because she had several children already and thought somebody else might
take care of this one for her. But she didn't leave a label or anything
like that with her so the people at the Home had to find a name for her,
and they called her November because that was the month they found her
on the doorstep and Sarah because they believed in giving foundlings
unfashionable names so that they shouldn't think they were as good as
other people. And they dressed her up as a foundling so that there
shouldn't be any mistake about it.

Well when Sarah November was old enough to earn her living they said to
her what work would you like to do?

And she said well I have never cared much about doing work.

And they said no we know you haven't but of course you must earn your
living, would you like to go out to service?

And she said oh well I can try it, so they got her a situation and she
went out to service.

Well she didn't care much for it except that she didn't have to dress up
as a foundling any longer, but she could imitate people rather well so
when they grumbled at her for not doing enough work she made them laugh
and so they kept her longer than they would have done. But at last they
said well this can't go on for ever, laughing is all very well but it
doesn't wash up plates, you must find another situation.

Well she didn't take any trouble about doing that, but on the last day
before she had to leave she put on her best clothes and went out, and
one of the first people she saw was a rich old lady in a bath-chair. So
she went up to her and said do you want a companion who can make you
laugh? because if so I shall be out of a situation to-morrow and I could
come to you.

And the old lady said well I shouldn't mind that, I like laughing and
the last companion I had was rather dismal, what could you do to make me
laugh?

And Sarah November said oh I could imitate the people who come to see
you after they have gone. I will imitate the bath-chairman for you if
you like.

So she did that, and the old lady laughed especially when the
bath-chairman got angry about it, and she engaged Sarah November as her
companion and she imitated all the nephews and nieces who came to see
the old lady and the doctor and the clergyman of the church she went
to, and the old lady laughed a good deal and felt all the better for it.
But presently nobody came to see her any more because they didn't like
being laughed at, so she said to Sarah November well I think it is time
I had a new companion so you must find another situation.

And Sarah November said well I don't mind, I have got rather tired of
this, but you must give me three new dresses and some hats and shoes to
go with them and twelve pairs of silk stockings.

Well the old lady was rather surprised at that and she said what will
happen if I don't?

And Sarah November said well I will tell you what will happen. When you
go out in your bath-chair I shall go out in another one behind you and
imitate you all the time, and people will laugh at you.

Well the old lady didn't want that so she gave Sarah November those
things because she was quite rich enough for it not to matter to her,
and Sarah November thanked her and said she would come and amuse her
sometimes for nothing.

Well the next thing Sarah November did for a living was to be a
mannequin in a very expensive shop, because she had some nice clothes
now and she could imitate being a lady, so when she went to the shop
they thought she was better than she really was and they were lucky to
get her. And they paid her plenty of wages and gave her some more nice
clothes as well, because if she wanted anything very much she didn't
show it off well and they said oh that is no good you can have it for
yourself.

And that went on for some time, but Sarah November got rather tired of
it because the hours were too long and there was too much standing to
suit her, so she said to herself I don't see why I shouldn't go on the
stage.

So she went on the stage, and they were glad to have her there because
she had seen so many duchesses and countesses and people like that when
she was a mannequin and could imitate them so well that she was almost
like one herself, and they like that on the stage.

Well she got on fairly well on the stage and several people fell in love
with her because she was quite nice-looking especially when she was
dressed up. But she didn't want to get married just yet, and it was a
good deal of trouble to learn up her parts, so she thought she would go
on the films.

So she did that, and she was quite a success on the films, and she made
plenty of money besides by letting them put pictures of her in the
newspapers saying she owed it all to somebody's face cream or tooth
paste, and presently the people in the Home said why there can't be two
Sarah Novembers and this must be our one but we never should have
recognized her, she looks quite a lady.

Well that wouldn't have mattered much, but Sarah November's mother whose
real name was Mrs. Bunce saw a film one night with her in it, and she
had found out what name they had given her in the Home so she went there
and said I want my daughter.

Well the end of it was that Mrs. Bunce made herself a positive nuisance
to Sarah November, because her husband was dead by this time and her
other children weren't any good to her and she was so poor that she
couldn't buy herself proper clothes and looked simply awful. And Sarah
November didn't mind giving her money but she _would_ spend such a lot
of it on gin that she wasn't any more respectable than before, and
Sarah November could never get rid of her.

[Illustration: _If you go on like this people will begin to talk._]

So she said to her mother look here if you go on like this people will
begin to talk. It would have done me a lot of harm already only that I
have told everybody you are a drunken charwoman who once saved my life
in a fire and so I go on being kind to you.

But Mrs. Bunce only hiccoughed, so then Sarah November knew she had got
to do something about it. So what she did was to have it put in all the
newspapers that Mrs. Bunce was really her mother who had left her on a
doorstep when she was a baby, and she was a foundling and had gone out
as a general servant when she was only fifteen. And she had a photograph
taken of herself and her mother together when her mother was sober and
had that put in the newspapers too and then waited to see what would
happen.

Well what happened was that everybody said they couldn't have believed
it that anybody like Sarah November could have had a mother like that
and been a foundling and begun by going out to service, and it was
wonderful how she had turned herself into what she was. And they said
she must have a heart of gold besides not to be ashamed of it, because
most people who had got on so well would have wanted to hide up all
that.

So Sarah November became the people's idol and made so much money that
she hardly knew how to spend it. But by this time she had got rather
tired of being on the films because it was such hard work, so when a
Viscount asked her to marry him she said she would, and she pensioned
off her mother and took up collecting Toby jugs.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XIV

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT


Once when Mr. and Mrs. Juniper were just going out to have tea in their
front garden a large motor car came bursting through the hedge and sent
everything flying and broke down their chief laburnum before the young
man who was driving it could stop it.

Well if it had been a minute later Mr. and Mrs. Juniper would both have
been killed because they would have been sitting at the table, and they
were getting rather old and were not used to having things like that
happen to them, but the young man was so nice about it and explained
that he had only just bought the car and didn't know how to drive it
yet, and he had already had his name taken by two policemen for running
into a lamp-post and a delivery van, that they couldn't say much, and
besides it was partly their own fault for having tea in the front garden
instead of the back, where it wouldn't have happened. And he said he
hoped they would let him pay for the table and chairs and all the china
he had broken and buy them a new laburnum from a nurseryman, and he was
so nice and made jokes about the jam sandwiches being spoilt by petrol
and being able to fill the kettle with hot water again from the radiator
that they quite took to him and invited him to have tea with them in the
back garden if he wouldn't mind waiting for a little until they could
have it laid again with some other things instead of those that were
broken and have some more sandwiches cut.

Well he didn't really want to stay to tea because he was so keen on
driving his new motor car, and he was so rich that he didn't mind how
much damage he had to pay for, though he didn't want to run over anybody
if he could possibly help it because he was kind-hearted and thoughtful
for others. And he was just going to make an excuse to get out of it
when Mr. and Mrs. Juniper's granddaughter Lavinia came out of the house,
and then he was glad that he hadn't made an excuse because she was so
absolutely lovely that he fell in love with her the moment he saw her.
And Mr. Juniper said this is my granddaughter Lavinia and if you will
kindly tell me your name I will introduce you to her.

Well he was just beginning to come to a little from the shock of seeing
somebody so lovely as Lavinia and he said Smith, and Mr. Juniper said
Lavinia this is Mr. Smith who has just dropped in to have tea with us,
if you will help Granny and Irene to get it ready we will go and sit in
the back garden and have a nice little talk. And he said to Mr. Smith
Irene is our servant, we couldn't always afford to keep one but a sister
of Mrs. Juniper's who was house-keeper to a lord and had saved a lot of
money out of what she got for showing people over his house died a
little time ago and left all her money to us, so now we are in more
affluent circumstances.

[Illustration: _He fell in love with her the moment he saw her._]

And Mr. Smith said what was the name of Mrs. Juniper's sister? And he
said well it was Carbuncle, but she died of influenza. There was an
epidemic of it and the lord whose house she showed people over died of
it just before she did and left her a hundred pounds as well, so it all
came in very convenient, as they had to die some time or other. And Mr.
Smith seemed rather surprised at hearing this but all he said was ah.

And while they were waiting for tea Mr. Juniper told him that he had
been a shipping clerk in a wholesale ham warehouse, and Mrs. Juniper had
been a cashier and sat in a little box not very well ventilated giving
out change to people in a provision shop before he had married her, and
they had had a very beautiful daughter called Ermyntrude, and they were
so proud of her that nothing would do for them but she must marry an
Earl. And she had done that through going on the stage, but it hadn't
turned out at all well because the Earl had been so wicked and he had
spent all his money long ago, but he died by falling down a precipice
when drunk, and Ermyntrude died soon afterwards when Lavinia was quite a
baby and they had brought her up ever since.

And Mr. Smith said you seem to have had rather a tragic life Mr.
Juniper, and he said well I have rather but I am quite comfortable now,
with the wireless and cross-word puzzles, and it will soon be time for
Lavinia to get married which will be interesting, but whatever happens I
shan't let her marry an Earl.

And he said well I suppose you would if he was a good Earl and had
plenty of money. And Mr. Juniper said no, no more Earls for me, I have
had enough of them.

Well they had a very nice tea, and Mr. Smith couldn't keep his eyes off
Lavinia she was so absolutely lovely, and he didn't know what he was
putting into his mouth, but that didn't matter as Mr. and Mrs. Juniper
had both been in the provision business and everything they had to eat
was good, and he managed to keep lively and made them all laugh several
times which nearly finished him off because Lavinia looked lovelier than
ever when she laughed and it was like listening to silver bells chiming,
only better. And she liked him too because he was so lively and amusing
and handsome besides, and when they had finished tea he couldn't contain
himself any longer and he said to Mr. and Mrs. Juniper would you mind
going into the front garden to see if anybody has stolen my motor car
yet because I have got something private to say to Lavinia.

So they did that, and the moment their backs were turned he said to
Lavinia darling I love you, and she said I love you too, and before Mr.
and Mrs. Juniper had got into the house they were kissing each other.

Well that evening as they were listening to the wireless the announcer
said before taking you over to Billingsgate Market for a talk on plaice
and haddocks I have an announcement to make, will Lavinia surname
withheld who is engaged to the Earl of Aubretia go at once to the Bond
Street Hospital where he is lying seriously ill through having run into
a confectioner's shop, I will repeat that, will Lavinia etcetera
copyright reserved we are now taking you straight over to Billingsgate
Fishmarket.

Well it was the first that Mr. and Mrs. Juniper had heard of Mr. Smith
being really the Earl of Aubretia but he had told Lavinia, and he was
the son of the Lord who had left Mrs. Carbuncle a hundred pounds, so Mr.
Juniper couldn't very well object to her marrying an Earl though he had
said that he wouldn't let her. And they went straight off to the
hospital in a taxicab. And when they got there they found fourteen other
girls and women who said their name was Lavinia and they were engaged to
the Earl of Aubretia, and more were being put down at the hospital by
every bus that went along Bond Street. But directly Mr. Juniper had told
his name the porter made short work of all the rest and he took them
upstairs to where Lord Aubretia was in bed in a private room.

Well he really wasn't seriously ill now because he had only been cut a
little by being hurled through a plate-glass window which his motor car
had already broken, but what had been rather serious at first was that
he had fallen with his nose and mouth in a heap of clairs and had
nearly been smothered in cream and pastry. But they had washed him and
lent him some clean pyjamas, and Lavinia fell into his arms and Mr.
Juniper said he shouldn't say anything more about his being an Earl and
he was sure it would turn out all right.

And it did turn out all right, and as Lavinia was the daughter of an
Earl on the father's side nobody could say it wasn't a suitable match.
And Lord Aubretia soon learnt how to drive his motor car properly and he
took Lavinia for some lovely drives in the country, and they were as
happy as two lovebirds and picked masses of bluebells.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XV

THE RIGHTFUL HEIR


Once when Lord Mype was poking about in an old bureau with a screwdriver
because one of the drawers had got stuck he found a secret drawer which
he hadn't known anything about, and there was a bundle of letters in it
yellow with age. Well he read through some of the letters and was just
going to burn them because they weren't very interesting when he came
across one of them which said that he had been changed at birth, and it
turned out that his butler ought really to have been Lord Mype and he
ought to have been his own butler.

Well this was rather a surprise to him and he didn't much care about the
idea of being a butler, so he thought the best thing would be to burn
the letter and say nothing about it, but just as he was going to do that
his eye fell upon the Golden Rule which his Angel Child called the Lady
Alicia had illuminated for his birthday and he had put it on the
mantelpiece. And he said to himself well is this doing as I would be
done by? And he was obliged to say it wasn't, so he put the letter in
his pocket and went in to lunch.

Well there were only the Lady Alicia and her governess Miss Nock at
lunch, because his wife had run away from him some time ago and all his
other children had been drowned or run over by motor cars. But they
hadn't been very satisfactory because they had taken after their mother
except the Lady Alicia, and she was so good that all the people in the
village called her the Angel Child, and she had never been naughty in
her life except once when she had stolen two snipes out of the larder
and she wouldn't say what she had done with them, so he had given her a
whipping and told her that it hurt him more than it did her, and then it
had turned out that she had taken the snipes to a poor cripple in the
village and Lord Mype wept over her, but she said he was not to grieve
because she knew she was much more wicked than most children though it
didn't often show up, and the whipping hadn't hurt her much because it
was winter and she had a thick skirt on. So he adored her more than ever
after that and made up his mind to be a better man because of her.

Well Lord Mype didn't talk much at lunch because he was watching the
butler and wondering what he would say if he knew he was the rightful
heir and not a butler at all. And the Lady Alicia said to him dear Papa
you are more silent than your wont, do you think you are sickening for
something?

And Miss Nock said I have noticed the same thing, do let me take your
temperature Lord Mype.

Well Lord Mype couldn't bear Miss Nock because she was always trying to
marry him, so he said don't fuss. And the Lady Alicia thought he had
said it to her and burst into tears, and Miss Nock said for shame Lord
Mype, if you cannot control yourself before the servants you should
leave the room. And she sent the servants out of the room, and as he
went out the butler said she will catch you before you know where you
are Lord Mype, the day she marries you I leave your service.

Well Miss Nock didn't mind his rudeness because she knew he was almost
mad with jealousy about her wanting to marry Lord Mype and pushing notes
under the library door asking him to run away with her, and Lord Mype
was thinking that if he only knew that he was really Lord Mype and not a
butler at all he could be much ruder than that and nobody could say
anything, and he was so depressed in his mind that he pushed away his
plate of shepherd's pie and groaned.

And Miss Nock said my heart bleeds for you Lord Mype, why do you groan?

And he said well wouldn't you groan Miss Nock if you had just found out
that you weren't Lord Mype and I was a butler?

Well she didn't understand it at first but when he told her about the
letter she said excuse me but I must just go and fetch a handkerchief,
and she went straight out of the room and ran away with the butler.

Well there was nobody to bring in the suet pudding and golden syrup
until things had settled down a bit, but that gave the Lady Alicia time
to go to Lord Mype and lay her head against his shoulder and say never
mind dear Papa we will go out into the wide world together and I will
beg for you. And Lord Mype thought it was more than he deserved and he
shed some tears, but by the time some of the other servants brought in
the pudding he had controlled himself. And he and the Lady Alicia both
had two helpings of the pudding because they didn't know when they would
get their next meal.

Well before they left the building the Lady Alicia said I should like to
read those letters dear Papa if you don't mind so as to be able to help
you more in your tribulation. So she did that, and she came across one
that he hadn't read, and it was quite true that he had been changed at
birth by the butler's mother, but the next day her conscience had
pricked her and she had changed him back again, so he was the rightful
heir after all and could go on being Lord Mype.

[Illustration: _And ran away with the Butler._]

Well the next thing that happened was that Miss Nock wrote a letter from
London to say that she was going to marry the butler that afternoon
because she had loved him for a long time and couldn't bear not to be
married to him any longer. And she didn't say anything about him being
the rightful heir because she didn't want them to think she had married
him for that, and of course Lord Mype knew she had, because he wasn't
quite a fool, but he didn't say anything about it to the Lady Alicia
because he thought it was bad for her to hear about things like that at
her age. And Miss Nock ended up by sending her love to the Lady Alicia
and saying that she was sorry she couldn't go on being governess to
her any longer but she hoped they would get another one as good as she
was and a good butler too.

And the Lady Alicia said I don't think I want another governess dear
Papa, I will mind my book myself, shall we send those two letters to
Miss Nock for a wedding present? she will be interested in them because
they are about her husband when he was a little baby.

So Lord Mype did that, at least he sent her copies of them which he
typed out himself because he thought it would be interesting to keep the
others, and Miss Nock was very annoyed but she made the best of it and
she and her husband took a lodging-house at Margate and Lord Mype and
the Lady Alicia went to it sometimes when they wanted a little holiday,
because they didn't believe in bearing malice.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XVI

THE SECRETARY


One evening when Mr. Broadstairs went home after his business his wife
said to him why are you so late? I am sure you work too hard and there
is no necessity for it because you are getting on so well in your
business and are quite rich, I wish you would take it easier.

And Mr. Broadstairs said well I should like to, but things do get into
such a muddle in the office, I have just spent a whole hour looking for
an important letter which I had to answer and at last I remembered that
I had folded it up and stuck it into the window to prevent it from
rattling.

And Mrs. Broadstairs said well why don't you get a secretary to keep
things tidy for you, and she could type your letters for you too because
you write so badly that it is difficult to read them.

And he said yes I know I do, only last week I ordered twelve bales of
wool and they sent me twelve bags of coal instead, it is very awkward
and I sometimes think I shall have to retire from business, but I don't
want to do that yet because then I should have to learn to play at golf.

So they talked it over and Mr. Broadstairs put an advertisement in the
newspaper to say that he would pay good wages to a lady secretary who
was tidy and not too young and could do typewriting, and they were to
write to him first and send their photographs, because Mrs. Broadstairs
said she would want to see what the secretary was like first, she could
trust Mr. Broadstairs not to fall in love with her but if anybody said
anything about it she could show them her photograph so that they could
see there was no danger.

Well the morning after he had put the advertisement in the newspaper Mr.
Broadstairs found about fifty letters waiting for him at his office from
ladies who wanted to be his secretary, and there were a lot of business
letters to answer too, and he wasn't feeling very well through his bacon
disagreeing with him at breakfast. And he was wishing he could take it
easier when the office boy came in and said Miss Fumb would like to see
you sir.

And he said who is Miss Fumb and he said I don't know. And then Miss
Fumb came in herself and she was carrying a typewriter, and she said to
Mr. Broadstairs good morning I have come to help you answer your
letters, you don't look very well so if you will just sit down in that
armchair and take it easier I will open all the letters for you and get
them into order, and then you can tell me what you would like to answer
to them and I will type it out on this typewriter and all you will have
to do is just to sign your name.

Well Mr. Broadstairs was rather surprised at this and he said do you
want to come here as my secretary? And Miss Fumb said well that depends
on whether I like you and whether you will pay me enough wages, but we
needn't talk about that yet, what you want now is to take it easier, and
I think a little dose of sal volatile will be a good thing for your
hiccups, I will just send the office-boy round to the chemist's for it
and by the time it comes I shall have got halfway through these letters.

So she went to tell the office-boy, and then she came back and sat down
and began to open letters, and Mr. Broadstairs wasn't certain about it
yet but he was glad to sit down in his armchair because he wasn't
feeling at all well, and he thought to himself well at any rate it will
save me the trouble of opening all those letters.

Well after Mr. Broadstairs had had his dose of sal volatile and wasn't
hiccuping so often Miss Fumb said well I have opened all these letters
and I think it is a pity you told them to send their photographs because
all of them want them back except the ones who think they are rather
pretty and they say you can keep them if you like. I will just write a
nice little letter to each of them and say they won't do, and I will put
it in the third person so you won't even have the trouble of signing the
letters, it will take me some time and you can have a little nap while I
am doing it if you like, but there are some business letters to attend
to so we can do those now if you feel up to it.

Well Mr. Broadstairs did feel up to it by this time and he was glad not
to have to trouble about the other letters, so he read his business
letters and then he told Miss Fumb what to answer to them and she took
it down in shorthand and sometimes she said no I don't think that will
do and he altered it without having to scratch out something which was a
great advantage, and in about half an hour he had done what would have
taken him all the morning if he had had to write his letters himself.

So then Miss Fumb said well I shan't want you any more till after lunch,
if you would like to go out and do some business I will get these
letters ready for you to sign, and after that we will have a good tidy
up, but you needn't trouble about that, all you will have to do will be
to sit in that armchair and tell me what you want saved and what can go
into the waste-paper basket.

Well Mr. Broadstairs wasn't quite certain about it even yet, so instead
of going out to do some business he thought he would go home to Ealing
and tell Mrs. Broadstairs what had happened.

So he did that, and Mrs. Broadstairs was surprised to see him and she
wasn't certain about Miss Fumb either when he told her, and she said how
old is she?

And Mr. Broadstairs said oh I don't know, I suppose about twenty or
thirty, and she said what is she like to look at? And he said well she
is rather like MARY PICKFORD only taller.

So Mrs. Broadstairs said well then I don't think she will do, and you
had better go back and tell her so, and he said oh I don't quite like to
do that because she has been very useful to me, and she hasn't tried to
make me fall in love with her or anything like that, couldn't you come
and see her for yourself?

And Mrs. Broadstairs said very well I will, but you had better stay to
lunch now you are here, there is minced veal and a nice batter-pudding.

So Mr. Broadstairs stayed to lunch and afterwards they both went back to
his office by Underground, and there was Miss Fumb turning out the
drawers of his writing-table and directly he saw her doing that Mr.
Broadstairs said oh I didn't want you to do that, there are a lot of
private letters in those drawers, how did you unlock them? And she said
why you left the keys in one of the drawers, and then she said to Mrs.
Broadstairs how do you do, I am glad I have come to be secretary to Mr.
Broadstairs, he is a nice old thing but he wants looking after when he
is away from you, I can't stay more than a year because I am engaged to
be married to a bank-clerk, and we shall have enough money by that time,
but when I go I can get him somebody else.

So Mrs. Broadstairs didn't think it mattered her being pretty as she was
engaged to a bank-clerk, but she said to Mr. Broadstairs what are the
private letters you keep here? And he didn't answer, but Miss Fumb said
oh they are all about business and it doesn't matter me seeing them as I
am quite confidential, but some of them weren't important so I burnt
them. And then she showed Mr. Broadstairs how tidy she had made the
drawers, and Mrs. Broadstairs looked at some of the letters in them but
as they were all about business she didn't want to read them, and soon
afterwards she went away, because she had to go out to tea at Acton.

Well directly she had gone Mr. Broadstairs said did you burn a packet of
letters tied up with pink ribbon? And Miss Fumb said yes I did, I saw
they were love letters and I didn't want them cluttering up the office.

And Mr. Broadstairs said well they were written forty years ago by a
lady I was in love with but she married somebody else, and Miss Fumb
said yes I know, I read one of them but it was so silly that I didn't go
on, now if you will sign these letters I will send them to the post, and
after that I will go and talk to your manager and see if he is keeping
the books properly.

[Illustration: _I am glad I have come to be secretary to Mr.
Broadstairs._]

Well Mr. Broadstairs was pleased that she had burnt his love letters
because he didn't really want them and he wouldn't have liked Mrs.
Broadstairs to see them. And after that he found Miss Fumb so useful to
him in his office that he was able to take it much easier, and he was
always cheerful when he went home to Ealing after he had finished his
business.

And Mrs. Broadstairs got quite fond of Miss Fumb and asked her to bring
the bank-clerk to supper at Ealing on Sunday evening, and when ladies
said to her I wouldn't let _my_ husband have a secretary as pretty as
that she said well perhaps not, but my husband is different and he has
never loved anybody but me.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XVII

THE DICTATOR


Once there was a Dictator who was determined to have nobody but good
people in his country, but as he couldn't expect to make everybody good
all at once he told Parliament to pass a law that there must be at least
one good person in every family or they would have to give up their
house to somebody else, because there weren't enough houses to go round
and the Dictator thought it would be a good start if there was at least
one good person in each of them.

Well it was rather difficult to get it all arranged and there had to be
a lot of Inspectors to go round and see about it. And one of the
Inspectors went to the house of a family called Risotto, and he said I
am sorry to have to turn you out because if you have to give up this
house you won't be able to get another one and I'm sure I don't know
what you will do, but you are such a dreadful lot that I don't see how I
can help myself.

And Mr. Risotto said why what is the matter with us? we are as good as
anybody else and I pay my rent regularly.

The Inspector said yes but how do you pay it?

And he said well I pay it out of what I make by taking clocks and
fur-rugs and things like that out of motor-cars and selling them, and if
I am caught I am quite ready to go to prison for it, so what is the
objection?

The Inspector said well I don't know, but you can't call it good exactly
can you? And your wife takes in washing and often keeps back things and
says they were lost in the wash when all the time you or one of your
children are wearing them.

Mr. Risotto said well we can't go about without anything on can we? I
think the Dictator is very unreasonable and it is quite time somebody
assassinated him.

The Inspector said now that is just the sort of thing he doesn't like
people saying, and if I were to repeat it to him you would get into
trouble, but as I am sorry for you I shall say nothing about it. If only
one of your children were good he might let you go on living in this
house, but I have asked the neighbours about them and they say they are
perfectly awful. Your little boy steals milk-bottles that are put
outside front-doors, one of your little girls falls down just in front
of ladies coming out of shops so that they can't help tripping over her,
and the other one snatches their bags and runs away with them before
they have time to get up. So you can't call any of your children good
can you?

Mr. Risotto said well two of them perhaps you can't, but there is no
law against falling down on the pavement, or if there is I have never
heard of it. But there are so many new laws now that you can't keep them
all in your head.

The Inspector said well I haven't time to go into all that, and as you
can't point to one single member of your family who could pass the
easiest examination in goodness I am afraid you will have to go.

Mr. Risotto said well wait a minute, what about William?

The Inspector said who is William? and he said well he is a member of my
family, and he is so good that he goes on loving you even when you kick
him for something he hasn't done, and he has never told a lie in his
life, and if anybody tried to hurt any of us he would go on fighting
them even if they were much bigger than he was and nearly killed him.
Now does the Dictator call that good or not?

The Inspector said well I haven't had time to get up all the rules but I
should think he would, is William your nephew?

Mr. Risotto said no he is our Sealyham, there he is wagging his tail at
you, and that shows how good he is because you have come here to turn us
out of our house, and yet he likes you and is returning good for evil.

Well the Inspector didn't quite know what to say about it, and there
wasn't anything about Sealyhams in his book of rules, but William was
really a member of Mr. Risotto's family because he slept on his bed and
had his meals with them only on the floor instead of the table, and he
never drank beer or whisky which the Dictator thought there was too much
of and wanted to do away with. So he said he would ask the Dictator
about it and perhaps it would be all right but he couldn't say for
certain.

So he asked him about it, and the Dictator said well I wasn't thinking
of Sealyhams when I made up the law but I want to be fair all round so
that the newspapers can't say I am a tyrant, so I will let it count this
time but not again.

So Mr. Risotto was allowed to stay in his house and he became quite
famous because soon afterwards the Dictator made a speech about him and
his Sealyham, and he said it ought to make people ashamed that very few
of them were as good as dogs were although they had so many more
advantages, especially living in a country where there was a Dictator
who wanted them to be good more than anything else, and they had better
look out for themselves if they weren't.

Well Mr. Risotto knew he had had rather a narrow escape so he thought he
had better turn over a new leaf, and he told his wife and children that
they were to do it too. And first of all he was rather annoyed with
William for being better than they were and kicked him for it. And
William gave a yelp because it hurt him, but then he wagged his tail and
licked Mr. Risotto's hand so as to show him that he didn't bear him any
malice. And Mr. Risotto said to his wife and children there now see
that, it is quite true what the Dictator said in his speech, William is
much better than you are though he hasn't had your advantages, and you
ought to be ashamed of yourselves that you are not so good as a dog, and
if I ever catch you doing anything wrong again I shall give you a good
welting.

And Mrs. Risotto said yes that's all very well but how are we going to
live? and he said why do some honest work, look at William, he doesn't
steal ladies' bags and keep things back out of the wash.

Mrs. Risotto said no and he doesn't take clocks and fur-rugs out of
motor cars either, what are _you_ going to do? And he said you wait and
see.

[Illustration: _William is much better than you are._]

Well what Mr. Risotto did was to sell Sealyhams and other dogs to people
who wanted to have them because of what the Dictator had said in his
speech about dogs, because they were ashamed of being worse than dogs
and a lot of them wanted to keep them so that they could see how they
behaved. And at first he stole the dogs, but after he had had several
litters of puppies he grew ashamed of that because he knew William would
never have done it, and he became known for being as honest as a
dog-dealer could be. And the Dictator heard of it and sent him a letter
to say how pleased he was to hear that he had turned over a new leaf and
was helping other people to do it by selling them a good class of dog.

So Mr. Risotto had the letter framed and hung up in his shop, and after
that more people bought dogs of him than ever especially Sealyhams
because of William, and he grew quite rich. And the people got so much
better in their behaviour that the Dictator had to see about having a
lot more houses built, because the Inspectors couldn't find enough bad
people to turn out of the old ones.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XVIII

THE POSTMAN


Once there was a postman called Hector Bolsover who started by being
quite honest, but one day he saw a postal order for ten shillings in an
envelope that had come unstuck, and he happened to want an extra ten
shillings just then because he owed for an instalment on a gramophone he
had bought on the hire-system, so he tore up the letter and stole the
postal order. And after that he often used to steal postal orders,
because he got clever at feeling envelopes to see if there were any
inside them, and he used to steam open the envelopes over a kettle, and
sometimes he stuck them up again after he had stolen the postal order
and sent them on, and sometimes he tore them up. And he made quite a lot
of extra money out of doing this, but he didn't spend it on beer or
horse-races or anything like that, but on buying nice clothes for his
children and on a wireless set. And the Vicar often used to tell people
what a nice home he had and say that he wished there were more people in
his parish like him.

Well of course it couldn't go on for ever like that without its being
found out, and one morning the postmaster called Hector Bolsover into
his office and he said do you mind telling me how many postal orders you
have stolen within the last month, because I am making up my accounts
and I don't want to have any mistakes in them.

And Hector Bolsover was so surprised at this that he told him, and the
postmaster said thank you, I wish you hadn't taken to stealing postal
orders because I was doing it myself before you began on it, and it is
more likely to be found out if two people are doing it than one.

Well Hector Bolsover thought it was perfectly awful for a postmaster to
be so dishonest as that, and he said I should never have thought it of
you, I have a good mind to tell the Vicar.

And the postmaster said well why not? I always like to do people a good
turn if I can, and you and I have always got on well together, if you
put it all on to me nobody will think that you have been stealing postal
orders too, and I shan't mind myself because I shan't be here.

And Hector Bolsover said why not? And he said oh because a policeman is
coming here to-morrow to take me to prison, I opened a letter which told
me all about it, so I thought I had better go to America before he came,
only I thought I should like to leave everything in order here, except
the money I have stolen, and that is why I mentioned the subject to you.
It is rather funny that there should be two dishonest persons in this
post-office because in most post-offices there isn't even one.

Well that made Hector Bolsover see what a wicked man he was to be a
thief and not to think more of it than that, and he said what have you
done with all the money you have stolen, have you been gambling on
race-horses?

And he said oh yes, that and other things, and I have done very well out
of it or else I shouldn't have enough money to go to America with.

And Hector Bolsover said well I hope you will lead an honest life when
you get there. And he said oh no I shan't. I shall go on stealing, I
haven't done much work lately, but I would much rather do none at all
and that is the best way. But don't you worry about me, it is you I am
thinking of. Your wife was very kind to me when I had my appendix out,
and I should like to do her a good turn. I shall leave a letter
recommending you to be postmaster instead of me, and I shall say I have
always found you quite honest.

Well Hector Bolsover was pleased to hear this, and he was so shocked at
finding the postmaster had been a thief all the time that he forgot he
hadn't really been very honest himself, and he said well there is one
thing I would never do and that is to gamble on race-horses, so if I
tell them that perhaps they will be all the more likely to make me
postmaster.

[Illustration: _I wish you hadn't taken to stealing postal orders._]

And the postmaster said yes I should think they would. Well give my love
to Mrs. Bolsover and the children, I am sorry I can't look in to say
good-bye to them but I have got all my packing to do. And you might tell
the Vicar that I should have been more dishonest still if it hadn't
been for him. I don't suppose I should, but he is a nice old thing and
it will please him.

Well of course there was a great fuss made when it was found out how
dishonest the postmaster had been, especially as he had taken all the
money there was in the post office that day as well as what he had
stolen before. And he didn't leave everything in order as he had said he
would but burnt all his papers before he went away. And he didn't go to
America either because he knew they would look for him on the steamers,
but skipped away somewhere else and they never caught him. But a few
years later there came a letter from him to the Vicar from Spain to say
that he had been found out doing something dishonest and had been sent
to prison for it, and would he send him some nice books to read.

Well by that time Hector Bolsover had been postmaster for some time, and
everybody said he was a great improvement on the old one because he
never gambled on horse-races and he was bringing up his family so well
that everybody in the place was proud of them, and he was so honest that
people were sure of getting their postal orders now even if they were
sent in envelopes that came unstuck. And the Vicar was rather old by
this time, but he often used to say that it was a great comfort to him
to think they had such an honest postmaster and he wished he could say
the same of everybody else in his parish.

Well this was all very well, and Hector Bolsover was pleased with
himself for having turned out so honest after all. But it began to prey
on him to remember all the postal orders he had stolen when he had been
a postman, and presently he went to the Vicar and said I have got
something on my conscience, I can't very well tell you what it is but I
think the best way will be for me to leave off being a postmaster and go
back to being a postman again and then I shall feel more comfortable.

And the Vicar said well will your wife and children feel more
comfortable? because you ought to think of that as you won't be earning
so much money.

And he said well the children are grown up now and they are all doing
well and there will be enough for me and my wife to live on, I think I
had better do it if you approve.

So the Vicar approved and Hector Bolsover became a postman again. And at
first he found it rather difficult not to steal postal orders but he
soon got over that, and the Vicar told people what he was doing it for,
though he didn't tell them exactly what he had done wrong because he
didn't know himself.

And everybody was very interested, and they were proud of having Hector
Bolsover as their postman because he was getting fairly old now with a
white beard and no other town had one like him. And they gave him such
good Christmas boxes that he made almost as much money as he had made
when he had been a postmaster. And he felt much happier because he
hadn't got nearly so much on his conscience.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XIX

THE BUTCHER


Once there was a butcher called Mr. Pickalow, and he quite enjoyed being
a butcher after he had once got over killing animals which he didn't
like at first because he was very kind-hearted, but he said to himself
well somebody has got to do it, and he was always very humane about it
and any animal he got fond of he told his assistants to kill.

Well Mrs. Pickalow was rather a tedious woman, and she was always
changing her religion or the furniture in her drawing-room or her
servants, because they got tired of never knowing what she wanted them
to do next, and one day she said to Mr. Pickalow I think it is perfectly
disgusting eating animals and I am going to be a vegetarian.

And Mr. Pickalow said very well honey you please yourself, because he
was quite fond of her although she was so tedious, and he never argued
with her.

But she liked arguing, and she said you know you wouldn't like it
yourself if you were an animal, and I think we ought to do as we would
be done by.

And Mr. Pickalow laughed at her, and he said well you wouldn't like to
be eaten if you were a vegetable would you? So I don't think there is
anything in that, vegetables were made to be eaten and so were animals.

And she said cats weren't or dromedaries, and how do you know that any
animals were? You ought to be a vegetarian yourself.

And he said how can a butcher be a vegetarian? Supposing I were to tell
my customers that I thought it was disgusting to eat animals they would
be sure to say well then it is disgusting of you to cut them up and sell
them for eating. And she said well so it is.

Well it didn't really suit Mrs. Pickalow being a vegetarian and she got
very bad-tempered and peevish, and it was very uncomfortable for Mr.
Pickalow but he went on being kind to her, the only thing he wouldn't do
was to be a vegetarian himself, and when he was eating a nice beefsteak
or something like that and she was only eating cabbages or brussel
sprouts she could hardly bear it. And she pretended it was because she
thought it was so disgusting of him, but he knew it was really because
what he was eating smelt so good and she wanted to eat some of it
herself but she wouldn't because she was so obstinate. So he didn't
answer her back when she was nasty to him but made it up to her in other
ways, and he bought her a china box for her powder puff made to imitate
a cauliflower, but she only threw it out of her bedroom window and
didn't even say thank you.

Well at last it got so bad that Mr. Pickalow didn't even enjoy himself
at Christmas time when he stuck rosettes on his prize bullocks, and
Mrs. Pickalow had hysterics when he was eating turkey and sausages and
said he was like a great bullock himself and she wondered he didn't grow
horns. And his Christmas was very miserable, and he wished they had some
children so that they could have a Christmas tree for them and put
presents in their stockings, and then perhaps Mrs. Pickalow wouldn't be
so awful. Still he was sorry for her, and he told the cook to put plenty
of suet into the Christmas pudding, and she was a little better when she
had had three helpings of it and some mince pies, and after dinner he
said she had better lie down, and he tucked her up and kissed her and
went out for a walk.

Well he came to where a friend of his called Mr. Winklebody lived, and
Mr. Winklebody was a market gardener, so he thought he was just the man
to advise him about vegetarians and he went in to talk to him about it.
And Mr. Winklebody had several children and they were all enjoying
themselves very much after their Christmas dinner, and they were glad to
see Mr. Pickalow who was the godfather of Jacob Winklebody the eldest
boy, and he had sent them their turkey for a Christmas present. So he
was quite cheered up but he wished more than ever that he had some
children of his own and that Mrs. Pickalow was less peevish.

Well he told Mr. Winklebody all about it before he went home and he said
what can I do? And Mr. Winklebody said well I don't see that you can do
anything unless you would like to exchange businesses with me, I am sick
and tired of growing vegetables, there is so much stooping about it, and
I have never been able to eat as much meat as I should like to because
it is so expensive, if I were a butcher I suppose I shouldn't have to
stint myself in that should I?

[Illustration: _Mr. Winklebody had several children._]

And Mr. Pickalow said oh no, you could eat as much as you like of what
is left over from the shop, but I don't know that I should like to give
up being a butcher, I do enjoy it so, and besides you don't make a
quarter as much money in your business as I do in mine.

And Mr. Winklebody said well of course there is that, but what I always
say is anything for a quiet life, and if it will make Mrs. Pickalow less
tedious it might be worth it.

And Mr. Pickalow said well it might but I doubt it. But he was so
kind-hearted that by the time he got home again he thought he would do
it. And he said to himself I suppose I shall be very miserable not being
a butcher any longer, but then I am rather miserable now so what does it
matter? Anyhow it will please her and perhaps she will be less peevish.

But it didn't please Mrs. Pickalow at all when he told her, and she said
what go and live out in the country away from the shops and the cinemas
and only keep one servant and not have any money to spend, you are a
brute to think of such a thing and I shall divorce you.

Well Mr. Pickalow didn't often lose his temper but he lost it now, and
he took Mrs. Pickalow by the shoulders and shook her, but not very hard,
and he said I have had enough of it, get up off that bed and come
downstairs, and he went out of the room.

And she was so surprised at his shaking her and speaking to her like
that that she thought she had better obey him, and she went downstairs.
And he heard her coming and met her at the bottom of the staircase with
his blue apron on and a knife in his hand, and he said to her go into
the drawing-room.

And she was frightened and said are you going to murder me? And he said
I don't know yet, go into the drawing-room and don't come out till I
tell you.

Well in about a quarter-of-an-hour he opened the door and said to her
come into the dining-room. So she did that, and there was the Christmas
dinner all laid out again, except that the turkey was cold, and Mr.
Pickalow carved several slices and gave them to her on a plate. And he
said to her eat that.

Well she was too frightened of him to make any objection, and she was so
pleased to be eating turkey again although it was cold that by the time
she had finished the plateful she was quite amiable.

And that was the end of her being a vegetarian, and now that Mr.
Pickalow had found out the proper way to treat her she got much less
changeable in her ideas and did what he thought would be good for her
instead of a lot of silly things that she would be sorry for afterwards.
And they were both quite happy together again, and soon after that they
had a little girl called Rosemary, and then three boys and then four
more girls. And Mr. Pickalow got on so well in his business through
being honest and always selling good meat that he was able to make all
three of his boys butchers when they grew up as well as his godson Jacob
Winklebody. And Mrs. Pickalow was quite pleased about it and said she
would rather have her sons butchers like their father than anything else
even clergymen.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XX

THE BLOTTING-PAD


One day Mrs. Seedling was going round the spare rooms in her house to
see if anybody had left something behind, because she had had several
friends staying with her for the week-end, and people sometimes did
leave things behind and then she would send them on to them with a
polite note. But she didn't find anything this time except a diamond
ring that somebody had dropped in the bathroom, and she thought she
might as well keep that until it was inquired for because it just fitted
her third finger. But when she came to the room that Miss Willibond had
slept in she looked at the blotting-pad, and there were some marks there
of a letter that Miss Willibond must have written because there hadn't
been any marks there before, and she thought she would like to know what
the letter had been about.

So she held the blotting-pad up to the looking-glass, and what do you
think she read in it? Of course she couldn't read it quite all, but at
the end was written Mrs. Seedling cheats at bridge no time for more she
is a thief love from Polly.

Well it made Mrs. Seedling simply furious that people should come and
stay in her house and be just as comfortable as if they were staying in
an expensive hotel and not have to pay anything for it and then write
about her like that, and she sat down then and there and wrote a letter
to Miss Willibond to tell her what she really thought of her, which
wasn't much. And she felt better after it, but when she had finished the
letter she said to herself well of course I did cheat at bridge because
I think it is such a dull game if you don't, and I always do at patience
so as to make it come out, but I didn't know that anybody had noticed
it, perhaps I had better say nothing about it. So she tore up the
letter, and then she said to herself perhaps I had better not keep the
diamond ring because people might misunderstand that, I know it belongs
to Mrs. Brimtop, I saw her wearing it, and if I send it back to her at
once with a polite note nobody can say I stole it.

So she did that, and Mrs. Brimtop wrote her a nice letter back, and she
said she was very glad to have the ring again because it had been given
her by somebody she had been very fond of, but he had married somebody
else soon after and she didn't think the marriage had been at all a
happy one. And she ended up by saying how honest Mrs. Seedling was and
she wished everybody was like her, especially Miss Willibond.

Well that made Mrs. Seedling think, and she wrote another letter to
Mrs. Brimtop and said what do you mean about Polly Willibond, if I
thought she wasn't honest she should never come to my house again,
because I hate that more than anything and should never think of being
dishonest myself.

Well the next morning Mrs. Seedling had a letter from Miss Willibond,
and she said in it please excuse me for not writing before to say how
much I enjoyed myself, I didn't write because I didn't enjoy myself at
all, you could just eat the food without being sick and the wine wasn't
bad because of course you drink such a lot of it yourself, but the bed
was so uncomfortable that I should think you must have moved it out of
one of the servants' bedrooms because no servant would stay in a house
with beds like that, and I know the bath salts were the cheapest you
could buy anywhere and made the water smell of carbolic, I suppose you
like that sort of thing yourself, but I don't because I can keep nice
without it.

Well nobody could have written a much ruder letter than that, and Mrs.
Seedling was so angry about it that she wrote back to Miss Willibond
without waiting for Mrs. Brimtop's letter, and she said to her I know
you cheat at bridge because I have received a complaint about it, and
you had better be careful or you will find yourself in prison.

[Illustration: _Well it made Mrs. Seedling simply furious._]

Well the very next morning there came another letter from Mrs. Brimtop
and in it she said I didn't mean that Miss Willibond was a cheat or
anything like that, but while we were staying with you she said you were
a thief and I was angry with her and said you were an old friend of mine
and if you had been a thief I was sure I should have heard of it before.
So then she said very well I will write something about her being a
cheat and a thief and blot it on the blotting-pad in my bedroom, she is
sure to go nosing round directly we have gone away, and of course she
will read what I have written in a looking-glass, and we shall see what
she does about it. And I said I would drop a diamond ring in the
bathroom and see what you did about that, and I knew it was rather risky
but if you didn't send it back I could always write for it, and besides
the diamonds weren't real ones.

So then Mrs. Seedling was glad she had been so honest over the ring, and
she thought if she sent Miss Willibond a postal-order for one shilling
and threepence, which she had cheated her out of at bridge and say that
it had been a mistake it would all blow over. But before she could do
that a policeman came to take her up for calling Miss Willibond a cheat
and for stealing one and threepence from her.

Well there had to be a trial, and the judge was rather against Mrs.
Seedling at first because he said he didn't like the gambling that went
on at her house, and he thought she ought to be ashamed of herself for
reading people's private letters by holding up blotting-pads in front of
looking-glasses. And he said he was afraid he should have to send her to
prison for a short time just to teach her a lesson, but he shouldn't put
her on bread and water because he was sure she had yielded to a sudden
temptation over the one-and-threepence.

But when Miss Willibond's letter was read out he quite changed over, and
when it was proved that Mrs. Seedling had once lent Miss Willibond
several pounds to buy a typewriter with and hadn't asked for it back he
said he had never known a worse case in all his experience. And when
Mrs. Brimtop got up and told about the diamond ring he turned to the
jury and said I wonder how many of you would send back diamond rings
that people had dropped in your bathrooms.

So he sentenced Miss Willibond to several years' hard labour, but Mrs.
Seedling broke down and cried at that, and she said she had been at
school with Miss Willibond and couldn't bear to think of her doing hard
labour, and she would freely forgive her for the typewriter and pay her
back the one-and-threepence besides. So then the judge broke down, and
the jury broke down too, and even the people who wrote about trials for
the newspapers broke down, and the end of it was that everybody left the
court without a stain on their characters.

And Mrs. Seedling invited the judge and Miss Willibond and Mrs. Brimtop
to stay with her over the week-end, and they played bridge for love, and
Mrs. Seedling won all the rubbers because she could cheat now without
having anything on her conscience.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XXI

THE JOINT OF MEAT


One morning Mrs. Gorrilow's cook came to her and said the butcher hasn't
sent the joint of meat and he promised faithfully we should have it
before eleven o'clock so that I could cook it in time for dinner, I'm
sure I don't know what people are like in this place, they don't seem to
mind telling lies and I am not used to that, so I wish to give notice.

Well Mr. Gorrilow was a clergyman and he had just settled in at a new
vicarage, and he and Mrs. Gorrilow and the cook and the
house-parlourmaid whose name was Bolt and the nurse had all worked as
hard as they could to get everything nice by Saturday so that Mr.
Gorrilow could write his sermon in peace and none of them should have
anything to do on Sunday which was a day of rest, and they always had
dinner in the middle of the day because of the children, and now there
was no meat in the house.

Well Mrs. Gorrilow's father had been a colonel and she wasn't quite so
much used to controlling herself as if she had always belonged to
clergymen but she had done her best, and while they had all been
arranging the furniture and putting things away she had really been very
sweet-tempered to everybody though the cook had been very trying and had
kept on saying that it had been a mistake to leave the old vicarage
where the kitchen range had been much better and she had known where to
lay her hand on everything. And one thing that Mrs. Gorrilow didn't want
was for her to give notice before they had got thoroughly settled,
because she was a good cook and fairly economical and she didn't know
where to get another one. So she had been extra nice to her but it had
told on her temper inside, and when the cook gave notice because of the
joint of meat not coming she nearly threw a book called _The Rosary_ at
her which she was putting away in a bookshelf, she was so angry. But
before she could do anything there came a ring at the back-door and the
cook said perhaps that's him and went out of the room.

Well Mrs. Gorrilow was pleased that she hadn't lost her temper with the
cook but she thought it wouldn't do any harm if she lost it with the
butcher just to show him that he couldn't behave anyhow, so she went out
after her, and when the back door was opened there was a man standing
there with a joint of meat in a basket, and she was rather short-sighted
but she could see it wasn't the sirloin of beef which she always ordered
for Saturday so that they could have it cold on Sunday and the cook
could go to church and only have the potatoes to do when she came back.

[Illustration: _She quite forgot she was married to a clergyman._]

Well she really couldn't stand any more, so she snatched the joint of
meat out of the basket and threw it at the man's head, and it was a leg
of something all covered with hair, and that just finished it off, and
she told the man what she thought of him and of his master, and while
she was doing it she quite forgot that she was married to a clergyman
and talked more as if her husband had been a colonel who hadn't got to
be so particular about his language. And she was so upset that when she
had finished what she had to say she rushed upstairs to her bedroom and
locked the door and threw herself on her bed and cried. And that might
have done her some good, but she couldn't do it for long because the
cook followed her upstairs and knocked at the door and when she found it
was locked she called out I shan't stay in this place any longer, I am
not used to such ways, the butcher has sent us the leg of a goat, I
believe he is a Dissenter and I have left it lying where you threw it.

So Mrs. Gorrilow had to dry her eyes and get up and go and see about it,
and she felt she wasn't ready for that yet, so she was very glad when
her husband came out of his study as she got downstairs and she could
tell him about it, because he was a very kind man and always nice to
everybody, and even Mrs. Gorrilow's father had liked him though he would
rather she had married a major or a captain.

Well when she told him about it he said he didn't wonder she was a
little overwrought with all she had been doing, perhaps it would have
been better not to throw the joint of meat at the man's head but as she
hadn't hit him with it no great harm had been done and they would live
it down together. And she said couldn't you ask the cook to stay? I
would rather you did it because I am not quite myself yet. And he said
he would, and she was to go upstairs and lie down for half-an-hour and
he would see to everything.

Well it was rather more difficult than he had thought it would be
because the cook was upset, and when she was like that she always had a
great deal to say. But he let her say it and agreed with all he could of
it without forgetting that he was a clergyman, especially about the
kitchen range, and he said he didn't know what they should do if she
went because the children were so fond of her, so she was melted and
said she would overlook it this time and stay.

So then they went out to look at the joint of meat which was still lying
in the yard, and directly Mr. Gorrilow saw it he said why it is a piece
of venison, and he picked it up and took it back to the kitchen. And
just then Bolt the house-parlourmaid came in with her outdoor things on,
because she had gone down to the village to post letters and to buy a
few new dishcloths, and the moment she came in she said I wish to give
notice, Mrs. Gorrilow has thrown the hind leg of a stag at my young man
and I don't hold with such goings-on.

Well then it all came out, and what had happened was that Lord Furlong
who was the chief gentleman in the village and lived in a very big house
with a park had shot one of his private deer and sent parts of it to
several of his friends to eat, and he had told his chauffeur to take
some of it to Mrs. Gorrilow with a polite note to say that he hoped they
were getting on well with their move and that he and Lady Furlong would
come and call on them directly they were settled in. And Bolt had
already begun to walk out with the chauffeur who had met her in the
village and told her what had happened.

So Mr. Gorrilow thought the best thing was for him and Mrs. Gorrilow to
go and make a clean breast of it to Lord Furlong. So they did that, and
Lord Furlong laughed so much at it that Lady Furlong had to thump him on
the back to prevent him choking. And it turned out that he had known
Mrs. Gorrilow's father, and he took to her and to Mr. Gorrilow too, and
Lady Furlong took to them and to the children, because she hadn't any of
her own. So they were all very happy together afterwards, and the only
thing that Mrs. Garrilow found a little tedious was that Lord Furlong
laughed every time he saw her about her throwing the joint of meat at
his chauffeur and at what she had said about him, and they couldn't talk
about anything else until he had finished with it.

And Lord Furlong provided the vicarage with a new kitchen range, so the
cook was quite pleased and stayed on, and Bolt stayed on too because she
didn't want to be parted from her young man, and Lord Furlong made it
all right with him for having had a joint of meat thrown at his head,
and he was quite satisfied and joined the choir.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XXII

THE HOLD-UP


Miss Bargain was telephone operator at the Romeo and Juliet Laundry, and
one Friday evening just as she was ready to go home a ring came at the
telephone and when she had said Hullo a very gentlemanly voice said
pardon me are you the Romeo and Juliet Laundry? And when she said she
was it said well pardon me for interrupting you but my name is Mr.
Fruggin and I am Private Secretary to Lord Jones of Mwlch, and could you
possibly let him have back the dress-shirt we sent to the laundry on
Monday this evening instead of to-morrow, because he has been asked to
go and have dinner with the Lord Mayor of London and we find that his
other one is frayed at the cuffs, so if you could kindly oblige just for
once we should be obliged.

And Miss Bargain said well how do you spell his name? because so many
lords and people like that send their washing to this laundry that I
shall have to look it up.

And he told her how to spell Jones but he said you wouldn't believe me
if I told you how to spell Mwlch, it is one of those new Welsh titles,
but it begins with an M and you can easily look it up.

Well Miss Bargain liked his way of speaking and she said on the
telephone we always like to oblige people in this laundry, but it is
rather awkward because everybody is just going home now and I don't know
who I could send with the dress-shirt, I couldn't bring it myself
because I am going to be taken to the Cinema to-night and I must go home
and make myself look nice.

And Mr. Fruggin said oh I shouldn't think of troubling you to do that, I
would come myself in a motor car to fetch the dress-shirt if you are
sure you can find it for me.

And Miss Bargain said well I couldn't be certain of finding the right
one but we have hundreds of dress-shirts here belonging to other
gentlemen and you could choose one that fitted, and if there is any
trouble about it afterwards we can say the matter will be looked into.

And he said well I have always heard that the Romeo and Juliet Laundry
was the most obliging of all laundries, and I am sure I am very much
obliged, I will be round in about ten minutes, pardon me for asking but
shall you be quite alone?

Well Miss Bargain said she would, but afterwards she was rather sorry
she had said that because Mr. Fruggin had sounded very gentlemanly and
she rather wanted to see what he looked like, but she didn't want to be
kidnapped or anything like that, and besides she thought it wouldn't be
quite nice to be talking about shirts with a gentleman all alone. So she
rang up the young gentleman who was going to take her to the Cinema,
whose name was Mr. Priddo, and asked him if he would come round at once
and fetch her. And Mr. Priddo said he would, because he was in love with
Miss Bargain and she had never let him fetch her from the Romeo and
Juliet Laundry before, much less asked him to.

Well almost directly afterwards she heard a motor car outside, and then
two men came into the office with pistols in their hands, and the first
of them said pardon me Miss but my friend and I would like to open your
safe and take away the money that is there for paying wages to-morrow.

Well Miss Bargain was rather frightened, but she didn't shriek out or
swoon or anything like that because she was made of sterner stuff, and
she said are you Mr. Fruggin who rang me up just now about Lord Jones of
Mwlch's dress-shirt?

And he said yes I am, pardon me for the liberty, I don't really know
Lord Jones of Mwlch though I am quite friendly with some other lords, I
have brought you a box of chocolates because your voice sounded so nice
on the telephone.

And Miss Bargain said I don't want your chocolates or your compliments
either, and you can't open the safe because it is locked with a patent
key and you haven't got the combination.

And he said have you got it? and she said no.

And the man who was with him laughed and said as this is a laundry I
should have thought you would have had plenty of combinations. But Mr.
Fruggin was quite angry with him and said how dare you be so coarse in
the presence of this lady? And he said to Miss Bargain if you will
kindly give me the name and address of the gentleman who has the
combination my assistant will go and fetch him in the motor car, and
while he is away I should like you to take me over the laundry if you
don't mind, because I have always thought I should like to see the place
where they fray collars.

Well Miss Bargain didn't want to take him over the laundry because she
knew that Mr. Priddo would come into the office where they were, so she
said I would rather we stayed here and asked each other riddles, and I
think I should like one of your chocolates after all as I am rather
hungry.

Well Mr. Fruggin was pleased at this, because she smiled at him when she
said it and she was really looking quite pretty although she was wearing
her everyday clothes that she telephoned in and had only had time just
to attend to her face and comb her hair, and he thought she might be
falling in love with him. So he said very well that will suit me better
still, pardon me but when is a door not a door?

So then they began asking each other riddles, and Miss Bargain had heard
all his before but she pretended that she hadn't and laughed when he
told her the answers, and Mr. Fruggin began to fall in love with her
himself and to wish that he wasn't quite so dishonest. And he put his
pistol down on the table, but some way off Miss Bargain, and kept on
handing her chocolate-creams.

Well at last Miss Bargain asked him a really funny riddle about an
elephant and a mangle, and when she told him the answer he leant back in
his chair and laughed, and then she suddenly looked past him and said
Hullo Ernest you _are_ late.

So he jumped up and looked round, and she reached over the table and
caught hold of the pistol and pointed it at his head, and she said sit
still where you are, Ernest isn't here yet but he soon will be.

[Illustration: _And she said sit still where you are._]

Well at that very minute Mr. Priddo came into the room and heard her
call him Ernest, which made him all the more in love with her, and Miss
Bargain told him to keep Mr. Fruggin quiet while she went and fetched
some rope which was used for keeping old washing-baskets together. And
when she came back with it they tied Mr. Fruggin to his chair, and all
he could say was that he hadn't known Miss Bargain was like that.

And Miss Bargain said well you know it now, and she went out and
telephoned to the police, and when the other man came back with the
gentleman who had the combination for the safe they took them both off
to prison.

Well there was a trial, and the judge complimented Miss Bargain on the
way she had behaved and said he should have much pleasure in giving her
half the money they had made that morning out of fining motorists for a
wedding-present, because it had come out that she was engaged to Mr.
Priddo now. And he let Mr. Fruggin off lightly because he had been
polite to Miss Bargain and promised to lead an honest life in the
future. But he gave his assistant several years' penal servitude when it
came out about his being coarse in his behaviour to a lady.

And Lord Jones of Mwlch was very angry at his name being brought into
it, and especially because Mr. Fruggin had said that he only had two
dress-shirts. And he wrote a letter to _The Times_ newspaper to say that
he had at least four dress-shirts and could afford to buy plenty more if
he wanted to. But they didn't put in his letter and he was so annoyed
that he bought six more dress-shirts and joined the Labour Party.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XXIII

THE ANONYMOUS LETTER


One evening Mr. Howkerby came home to his wife and said to her I think
the luck has changed at last and I have got a very good contract for
building several bridges to go across the River Potomosi.

And Mrs. Howkerby said where is the River Potomosi, I have never heard
of it. And he said well it wouldn't be quite fair to tell you that until
the contract is signed as it is all very confidential, it isn't quite
settled yet but they told me to-day that if my references were
satisfactory I should get the contract, and I am sure they will be
satisfactory, one of them is the Vicar and as I always go to church once
every Sunday except when I am not very well or want to play golf he will
give me a good character.

And Mrs. Howkerby said how much shall we get out of it, there are
several things I should like to buy if you get the contract, some of the
face-towels have holes in them and I should like to have a new
fish-kettle. And he said well I haven't worked it out to pounds
shillings and pence yet, but I should think it would come to about a
million pounds, but I shouldn't buy anything new if I were you until it
is quite settled because I believe in being cautious. And she said she
wouldn't, because she had always been a good wife to him and had saved
all the money she could when people didn't want bridges built and he had
had to do quite little things instead, like putting down crazy pavements
in front gardens.

Well the next morning Mr. Howkerby went to his office full of hope, and
there was a letter there for him from the people who were going to buy
the bridges, and it said Dear Sir we are sorry we cannot give you the
contract for building six bridges to go across the River Potomosi
because we have found out that you are not at all a satisfactory
character yours truly Bulge & Co. Limited.

Well Mr. Howkerby was very angry at that because he knew that he was
quite a satisfactory character and always had been, and he put on his
hat and went straight round to the office of Messrs. Bulge & Co.
Limited, and he said to Mr. Bulge what is this, I must know about it.

And Mr. Bulge who wasn't really limited at all except in his intellect
said well Mr. Howkerby I am glad you called round, it is a very serious
matter and of course we couldn't overlook it, but if you can clear it up
nobody will be more pleased than I shall, I have never forgotten that
picnic you invited me to and the nice bit of salmon that Mrs. Howkerby
provided and all the cider we drank, and I would rather you had the
contract than anybody if you can clear your character.

Well Mr. Howkerby felt a little more comfortable at that and he said
hasn't the Vicar given me a good character? And Mr. Bulge said oh yes,
he says the only fault he has to find with you is that you sometimes go
to sleep in his sermons, but we decided to overlook that if you gave us
a written undertaking not to go to sleep while you are making the
bridges. No it is this letter that is so serious, and he handed him a
letter which began Dear Sirs as one who has always taken an interest in
the River Potomosi I warn you against giving the contract for six
bridges to go across it to Mr. Howkerby for the following reasons, one
when he made a bridge to go across the River Riposto he made it six feet
too short, and if a train had gone across it same would have tumbled
into river and everybody would have been drowned.

And Mr. Howkerby said oh what a lie, I only made it six inches too short
and directly I found out the mistake I paid for making it longer myself.
And Mr. Bulge said well I call that very honourable and what I should
have expected of you, but read on.

[Illustration: _Now Mr. Howkerby was simply furious._]

So Mr. Howkerby read on, and the letter said two I have reason to
believe that Mr. Howkerby is getting into debt in the place where he
lives and owes a large fishmonger's bill. And he said well that is just
the sort of half truth that is worse than a lie. I did tell the
fishmonger that I would pay him for that cut of salmon we had at the
picnic when I got the contract, I don't generally buy salmon because it
is too expensive but of course I wanted to treat you well because of the
contract and you had said something to me about liking salmon. And the
fishmonger was quite agreeable, and besides that I don't owe anybody
anything except for a bundle of peasticks which I can afford to pay for
at any time.

And Mr. Bulge said well I don't see anything in that, and it was partly
my own fault for saying I like salmon, but read on.

So he read on, three I accuse Mr. Howkerby of having mumps to wit in
November last and going about and giving it to a lot of innocent women
and children without saying anything about it.

And Mr. Howkerby was simply furious at that and he said that is the
worst lie of all, I did have a sore throat and I told Mr. Trinkle that I
thought it might be mumps, but it wasn't, and afterwards his wife and
children did have mumps and if anybody spread it about they did.

And Mr. Bulge said is that the Mr. Trinkle who builds bridges himself if
he can find anybody to buy them? And Mr. Howkerby said yes it is, and he
built such a rotten bridge to go across the River Worple that all they
could do was to grow ivy over it and say it was a Roman ruin. And Mr.
Bulge said well then I expect it was he who wrote that letter, you see
it is anonymous and he only signs it Philopotomosi which is French for
being fond of the River Potomosi, but I am sure that is all humbug and
he is just mad because he didn't get the contract himself.

And Mr. Howkerby said well I shall get him sent to prison for taking
away my character, he is not at all kind to his wife and children and I
don't suppose they will mind not having him at home for a year or two,
especially as Mrs. Trinkle's father is a rich shoe manufacturer and can
afford to look after them.

So there was a trial, and an expert in handwriting said that the P in
Potomosi was exactly the same in the anonymous letter as in the one that
Mr. Trinkle had written about the contract, and he was sent to prison.
And he got some extra hard labour because it came out at the trial that
he wasn't really married to Mrs. Trinkle at all, though she quite
thought he was, but had a wife somewhere else. And Mr. and Mrs. Howkerby
adopted one of his children because they were very kind-hearted, and as
Mr. Howkerby got the contract for making six bridges to go across the
River Potomosi they could well afford it.

[Illustration]




[Illustration]

XXIV

THE GAMBLER


Once there was a gambler who used to play at cards for a lot of money,
and he liked to be honest if he could because he had once heard a
clergyman say in a sermon that it was the best policy, but if he was
losing he generally cheated.

Well once when he was having a holiday at the seaside the clergyman he
had heard preach was staying in the same hotel, and they made rather
friends and used to go out shrimping together. And one day the clergyman
said to him what do you do for a living? because you must have plenty of
money or you wouldn't be able to afford to stay in this hotel which is
rather expensive.

And the gambler said well what about you? And he said oh I had an uncle
who had a factory for making boots, and when he died he left me quite a
lot of money, so I am richer than most clergymen and I could afford to
stay at a much more expensive hotel than this one if I wanted to.

Well at first the gambler thought of saying that he had had an uncle who
had had a factory for making hats and had left him his money, but he
didn't like to tell lies to a clergyman so he said well I don't do
anything for my living except gamble, but I make enough money by that to
be able to afford to have a nice holiday sometimes.

And the clergyman said I don't care much about people gambling and I
shouldn't have thought that you could have made enough money out of it
to live on comfortably unless you cheated sometimes.

And the gambler said well I do cheat sometimes, but not unless I am
obliged to.

So then the clergyman told him that it was wicked to cheat at all and he
hoped he wouldn't do it any more, and he said he wouldn't, because he
liked the clergyman and wanted to please him. And he said I know honesty
is the best policy because I once heard you say it in a sermon, but if I
didn't cheat sometimes I know I couldn't make enough money to live on
comfortably, so what can I do?

And the clergyman said it doesn't matter what you do as long as you are
honest, I would rather sweep a crossing myself than cheat.

And he said oh would you? and he said yes I would.

And the gambler said but I couldn't live comfortably on that could I?
And the clergyman said well perhaps you couldn't, but we can't all live
comfortably, I couldn't myself if my uncle hadn't left me quite a lot of
money, because I don't get paid much for being a clergyman and I only
do it because I like being good.

And the gambler said I should think it must feel nice to be as good as
that, and the clergyman said well it does rather.

And the gambler said do you think I should feel like that if I swept a
crossing instead of gambling?

And the clergyman said well I can't say for certain because I have never
done it myself, my uncle might not have left me his money if I had, but
at any rate you could try it.

So the gambler took to sweeping a crossing, and the clergyman used to
come and see him sometimes and encourage him, and he always paid him a
penny for his crossing even when it was quite fine.

And the gambler was quite poor now, but he didn't mind that because he
felt so good.

Well that went on for some time and then the summer came, and one day
the clergyman came to him and he said how are you getting on, I am just
going to have a holiday at the same hotel where we used to go shrimping
together, I wish you could come too but I suppose you can't afford it
now?

Well it was a very hot day and the gambler was tired, and he hadn't been
given many pennies that morning because his crossing was quite dry and
people didn't see why they should pay him for it, so he suddenly got
very cross and he said to the clergyman no I can't afford it now and it
is all your fault that I can't stay in a nice hotel and go shrimping.

And the clergyman was quite surprised, and he said why?

[Illustration: _I shall never go shrimping with you again._]

And the gambler said why because I left off gambling to please you and
took to sweeping this crossing instead, and all you can do is to come
and talk about going shrimping and you don't mind it a bit that I
can't do that, I shall give up sweeping this crossing and I shall take
to gambling again, and I shall cheat as much as I like so that I shall
make enough money to go and stay in a nice hotel, but I shall never go
shrimping with you again, it is too bad. And he nearly cried he was so
angry.

Well the clergyman was sorry for him, and he thought perhaps he hadn't
been quite kind, but he had been so looking forward to his holiday and
going shrimping that he hadn't thought much about anything else lately
except his services. So he said well I will tell you what I will do, I
will pay for you to have a nice holiday at that hotel, and I will buy
you a new suit, because the one you have on is very shabby and I
shouldn't like people to see me with you when you are wearing it except
perhaps when we go shrimping, but you must promise me not to tell anyone
you are a crossing-sweeper in private life because I shouldn't like that
either.

So the gambler promised, and he and the clergyman went to the seaside
together and enjoyed themselves very much. And one day the clergyman
said to him I have been thinking about you sweeping a crossing and I am
very pleased with you for doing that when you could have made enough
money out of gambling to live on comfortably.

And the gambler said well I am glad you are pleased with me, I hoped you
would be, and it is very kind of you to pay for this holiday for me and
for my new suit.

And the clergyman said well I like to be kind, how would you like to
come and be a verger at my church? You could show people into their pews
and blow the organ, and on weekdays you could sweep out the church, you
have had practice at that and it would come easy to you.

And the gambler said how much wages would you pay me?

And the clergyman said well I should have to think about that and see
how much of it I could get out of the congregation, because I don't see
why I should spend the money my uncle left me on paying wages to
vergers, but I would pay you as much as I could and at any rate it would
be better than sweeping a crossing.

So the gambler said he would try it and he did, and he quite liked being
a verger and the congregation grew quite fond of him because he was
always polite to them when he was showing them into their pews. And the
clergyman liked him more than ever, but he said he couldn't be exactly
friends with him while he was a verger because the congregation might
not like it.

And presently the gambler married quite a rich lady in the congregation
who was only a little older than he was, and he left off being a verger
because she had enough money for both of them. So the clergyman could be
friends with him again now and they used to have a holiday every year at
a nice hotel at the seaside and go shrimping.

[Illustration]




[End of _Simple Stories from "Punch"_ by Archibald Marshall,
illustrated by George Morrow]
